Break point

By writing in my current state of agitation i'm breaking a major promise i made to myself sometime back to never publish anything i've written while emotional immediately. It's my way of keeping myself from giving out too much information.
Moving on, it's 1am and i'm up sitting up in my couch feeling miserable and hating my life. I'd rather be in bed because i have a long day tomorrow and i need my beauty sleep.
I have been thinking about my life a lot lately and i don't think i like what i've done with it so far. I know its less than a month since my graduation but i expected better of myself.

Not Love

I hate it when you look into my eyes,
cz i dont want you to see my soul
I hate it when i look into your eyes,
All i see is the vanity n lies of beauty you've been fed
I hate it when you try to hold me,
It just reminds me i'm alone
I hate it when u hold my hands,
cz it keeps me from downing my vodka
I hate it when u ask me if i think u r pretty,
thats why i'm taking the vodka, to lie better
I hate it when u ask what i'm thinking about,
cz its definately not you
I hate it when u kiss me,
all th lipgloss feels lk i'm eating raw cold fat
I hate it when u hug me,
feels like a squishy oil drum
I hate it when u ask me 2go home with u,
cz i wanna go home n wank
I hate it when u brag 2 me who u can have,
cz it sure as hell aint me
I hate it when u ask why i'm being an asshole,
cz i dont give a shit
I hate it when u ask me if i'l call,
cz i'd rather spend my airtime writing on how much i hate everything about you

Ode

Tossing n turning there's no sleep
For upon the night it will weep
A wounded heart still raw
Knowing all that it saw
All the love that it will hoard

Praying against all hope
That she with the voice like the sea
Will just once turn and see
The one who hurts behind the smile
And tries to fake it if only for a while

Behind the eyes so bright
Lies a boy lost in the wild
Yearning for that smile of sunshine
With breath like the breeze at dusk

For as it said in th scriptures of the old
'Gaze all thee and behold'
'The work of my hands I bestow'
'Perfection in all that you know!'
And the soul that had been whole
With she of the heart of gold

Now he roams alone in the plain
In puddles and cold from the rain
The blurry shadows of his past
Each step like his last
For he can't trust again
Knowing that only with her in the bargain
will his mind be free of the void
And again two souls will be as one

Ask Aunty Susan

Dear Sue,
I have this problem. Nowadays when i take a stroll around town, girls always stare at me making me feel like an object. Sometimes in a pub they harass me by looking in my eyes then run their hands through their hair smiling. How can i tell them to stop and recover my dignity, should i inform them that my shrink is in love with me and wants me for herself and I'm only playing hard to get in order not to seem desperate. I really need your advice.
Yours truly, Awesome in Nairobi...


Dear Awesome,
First i would like you to note, i already know its you Ben. Frankly i was surprised you weren't more creative in picking a pseudonym.
Second, the fact that you are seeing a shrink screams 'crazy' right there. Word on the street; after four sessions with you, she needs a shrink herself.
Now to the diagnosis:
You really aren't as good with girls as you like to think you are. Sometimes after our sessions i really shudder at the thought of you reproducing, but i feel better a few seconds later because i know you don't really have the guts or skills to actually get laid.
You suffer from a condition commonly refered in our circles as phallus extendus mistakenus sometimes confused with bipolar. Basically this translates from latin to delusions of grandeur especially when it comes to the opposite sex. You seem to believe girls and housewives swoon in your presence, but they are actually playing dead hoping you will go away... Most of them(i swear its not personal experience) go home and take a long hot shower trying to cauterize all traces of you, where you stared at them...
Finally i would like to inform you, sending me letters is in violation of the restraining order. Another thing, a woman wearing a trench-coat, with nothing underneath, is sexy. A guy doing that...an insult to humanity! Next time you do that in my office, not only will i run out half screaming and laughing, i'll also call security!
But since you have been so nice, i got you a sweater. Dont worry about the sleeves being too long, its easy to adjust that: we can have somebody pull them around your waist and tie them together at your back, or if the length allows, loop them back to the front then knot them together. It would look so nice on you.
In addition we are making arrangements to take you to this great hotel where they will cater to all your need. Don't worry about the guys who will appear to be carrying pointy sticks, they're just thin batons to keep security...the little nodes at the ends going bzzzz are just decorations...
Hope i answered all your questions well.
Yours truly, Aunt Susan

Metrosexuals and Sexuality

I'm not the manliest of guys. I lack th calloused hands and bulging muscles you may find on lumberjacks n construction workers... I'm not a big fan of fights or physical n verbal confrontation, neither am i a fan of turning the other cheek, so i can do quite a bit of damage defending myself in both cases.
My point is that on the scale of manly aggressiveness i don't rank with the big boys...or at least not that high up the ladder.
In retrospect, I'm not the most sensitive of guys. Its highly unlikely for me to open a door for you, but not out of the question. Pulling a chair for you is also hard, and I have to like you a lot to do that! PDA...that's another grey area...I gotta be in the zone where we are the only ones in the world to pull it off, n as far as I'm concerned, happened wit only one person.
Hell, I don't even know how to handle a girl angry with me, most times i'm too stubborn to say sorry or ask what's wrong(cz most times they say 'nothing').

Now that we have established i'm neither manly-manly nor sensitive-manly, the question begs - where do i lie? My answer, Definitely not metro-sexual!!
Metrosexuality came with the ships(ilikuja na meli) and is the 'white' man's way of having your cake and eating it in the sexuality context. So another question begs isn't this author being hypocritical and two sided also; you wear imported clothing, imported technology, use imported language and have vague knowledge of your culture. I say, wait for my point.
I have come into contact and interacted with metrosexual guys closely n my overall conclusion...gay! I don't have a problem with gay guys per se, then again u wont find me playing a game of '1tequila, 2tequila...floor' or bottoms up with them. Have to give my ass-ets the benefit of the doubt.
Anyway metrosexuals smell flowery, dress flowery, do their nails, visit salons as clients and talk flowery. They also have the habit of gesticulating delicately while talking and touching touching other people a lot. I'd rather have an outright queen as a friend than a metrosexual, because at least u know a queen does guys and once you lay the ground rules which are basically along the lines of 'don't touch me' you can become pretty good friends. I believe metrosexual is just another term for 'i dont think i'm gay'. Metro or not, a guy placing his hand on my knee or any region between that and my shoulder is freaking creepy, between knee and waist is asking for trouble. Trying to talk into my ear while facing me...wrong move... Why the fuck do they do that? I hv 2chant 'thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not kill' to myself as i try to pull away as discreetly as possible, to keep from using a bottle on your head. Just admit you like guys at once and drop the term, i mean we live in the most liberal of times, you can get away with almost anything short of bestiality...nobodys judging. If i was a girl i'd probably swing both ways too.
*****
So, recently i was disturbed to realize proximity between two people leads to some sort of bonding developing... Even more disturbing is the ensuing behaviour. So i ask, how do you handle a situation where a guy behaves like he's got feelings for you? This is not like a bromance at all. Bromances are like bff between guys, quite innocent and really common. This other one is really weird... When a guy, who i presume to be hetero, starts acting all possessive over me, all the alarms go off at once...i dont want to ask Aunt Susan for answers coz she can be a trifle nasty...
*****
Anyway, i'm really quite comfortable with my sexuality, and this comfort developed from unlikely quarters...back in seminary.
I never really thought much bout homosexuality until this nasty rumour was started. The problem with such types at an early age is that you get really confused because you wonder if there's a point to the rumour bout yourself you never considered...recipe for self doubt and other shit. When i'm more daring with my writing I'll expound on the self doubt bit. Bottom line is i discovered i'm strongly monogamous and love girls a lot...
So in a time when guys are coming out of the closet...let them do so openly without prejudice, but for fucks sake they should buy that gaydar new batteries. Don't try convert others, it has been satisfactorily verified its detrmined soon after conception.

Letter to my 13 year old self

Hey 13 year old Ben,
I am going to impart you with classified material which will probably get me kicked out of the top secret “Grandfather Project”. Don’t worry about the name, your fascination with time travel and worm holes will let you know the implied meaning soon enough. I’ll give you something called a news sandwich where I’ll give you good news then bad news then good news, or vice versa.
I’m guessing right now you have had two terms in seminary and it hasn’t been a walk in the park, what with the intense bullying and accusations of being gay, right? Well I hate to tell you this but it isn’t going to get any easier. In fact, brace yourself for the toughest four years of your life. For a start, all your dogs will die in the next month, every single one of them because somebody went cheap and refused to pay for a very important vaccine. Ok, I have to admit this is the sandwich ham only…no good news to cover it.
Now for good news; you know the Goju Ryu/Tae Kwon Do classes you are taking? It will pay off, you’ll lose all your flab and girls will start paying attention and they’ll even hit on you a lot of times. Bad news, you’ll still have self-esteem issues that will totally fuck your dating life. But more of that near the end.
By now you are waiting eagerly for me to talk about your relationship with your father. Well, it won’t get any better; in fact you’ll hate him for a couple of years. Everything he does for you will have strings attached. He will manage to totally destroy whatever shred of self-esteem and confidence you have and you will spiral into suicidal tendencies. Don’t worry, you are reading this letter meaning you will get to write it, right? The world is still your oyster and you have great things ahead because surprisingly enough you’re still an A student. In fact you will turn things around and you will escape his hold, the beatings will stop, you’ll make your own money and most importantly you’ll learn a little something called not giving a fuck!
Now for some really good news; when you hit 18 you will have a little sister! Yes, a sister and you will love the little munchkin with all the love you got and then some. Later you’ll join college and you’ll finally deal with the self-esteem issues and get yourself a girlfriend, model for a while, fulfill all your fantasies in a couple of months, and join campus where you’ll have a blast, uncover your sexual potential, join the swim team, win a lot of medals….get a job and be your own man! Though I have to warn you, you will get tired of the job and you will quit. Oh, almost forgot, you will be diagnosed with bipolar disorder…
Since I’m almost at the present with my letter I’ll tell you about your love life. So many girls will come and go you won’t even be able to keep track especially since you seem to lack the ability to love or move beyond “like a lot”. Your mom taught you to be smart so you’ll know how to protect yourself even though you will do things she won’t be proud of. Anyway 6months before you write this letter, you will have known the meaning of heartbreak. Your girl, she will show you what love is and you will love her with everything you have. Then she will destroy you like an ant, yet you’ll still be in love with her and screw up every subsequent relationship. And don’t ever lie to yourself, you can’t get back together, you are both too proud for that. Since it’s a sandwich, we’ll end on a high note. Your bff will be a girl and she’ll stay with you all through your shit, remember to take care of her and let her know you notice all she does for you.
I know you are curious about the present, but I’ll let you find out for yourself. But you will become a great poet and writer and you will win hearts with it, but don’t let it get to your head.
Yours,
A very grownup you
P.s Just throwing it out there, there will be other girl in your life; if you gain more guts than me, let her know you know she is just using you as back up.
~credits~
To Kris, somebody I truly trust, @savvykenya n @switcheeks whose letters to their 13yr old selfs inspired this, Zain who hid my deed to Antarctica...which i plan on getting back

My pillow, my confidant

Each nite i turn to you
I bury my face in your warmth
Only you know my pain
The reason i got bags in my eyes
Aging before my time
As i shift you from side to side
Hopelessly seeking for that healing elixir, sleep

Its only you i can turn to
In a world that has mostly shown me pain
As i watch pieces of me float around me
And wash away to be damned
As i helplesly watch, too numb

Its only you i can hold
To take in my tears, that are so normal now
As i hug myself looking for that reason
To take my next breath
And get out of bed

As i turn to Him, the one with th reason
Take this cup from me
For i am not that strong
I am not The One, i dont have the will
You dont just give a glimpse of heaven
Then drag me to the abyss
For i'm not that strong
I cnt walk, for there is no light
Why show me, if i cnt have it?

My bestfriend, guardian of my secrets
Knows of my losses, n my bigger losses
My cushion as th burden of mistakes past n mistakes present
Weigh in, n close in for the kill
Holding my hand as i open my eyes
For one last time, to witness my execution

Origins: The Mid Finger

According to Darwinian theory, in the course of the evolution of the homo sapien, the opposable thumb initially developed for the sole purpose of grasping tree branches. As the mind functionality evolved in the segue from homo erectus to sapien the use of the thumb was extended to holding tools and eventually wielding weapons.
As the social interaction between the sapien and neanderthals developed, the populations increased and the competition between them for food and mammoth skins also increased. At a disadvantage and with the impending threat of extinction from the ice age due to their unusual lack of body hair, the sapiens knew things had to change. They realized that by extending the arm and straightening the thumb with varying degrees in relation to the ground, it could act as a signal of sorts. Lacking a use or meaning attached to the signal, it was left to the members of the younger generation to experiment with.
Speculation among the archaeological community about use of this symbol indicates that the sapiens started a sport called "scalp the neanderthal" where after successful capture the hunters would stand in a semi circle around the unfortunate neanderthal. The leader would stride over the body with his arm outstretched in the thumb neutral position. He would close his eyes turn then stop. Then he'd open his eyes and rotate the hand. Whoever he was facing when the thumb became upright would have the pleasure of scalping the neandathal. It is widely accepted that this led to the extinction of the neanderthal as well as the development of the infamous thumbs-down signature of Caesar at coloseums after gladiator combat, and the much loved spin the bottle.
In addition the loved game of football/soccer was born after a sapien stumbled over the severed head of a fallen enemy. Trying to keep the head from rolling away a second sapien kicked it back to the first sapien, now lovingly known as "Clumsy" by the group of archaeologists who found his bones. This sport was refined by the Vikings and eventually developed to football as we know it.
At the same time, the seemingly useless mid metacarpal appendage adapted lengthwise, for the sole purpose of repelling annoyant green eyed variations of the homo sapien, who with the development of verbal communication came to be known as 'haters'.
An that is the murky past of the thumbs down and mid finger greeting. Next we'll cover the origin of the phrase "Give head"...

What is it about you?

You waltzed into my life and i lost my breath,
i looked into your soul, as you looked into mine,
storms were calmed, deep currents were formed,
what is it about you, that captured me so,

days turned to weeks, and weeks into months,
still we dance in the rain, with each other for warmth,
as we sway to the rhythm, of lust n love entwined,
to the music we call life, i press pause n wonder,
what is it about you, that makes life so magical

lovers come for one try, and leave with blood on their hands,
with the heart broke, and a raptured soul,
i turn to you with a tear stained face, and ask why its always me,
without a word you hold me close, my wounds scab n flake,
and i live to love again, coz that is the thing about you,
you hold my heart