Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Love is...

My life is like unto a bargain store, and I may have just what you're lookin' for; if you don't mind the fact that all the merchandise is used; but with a little mending it could be as good as new. 

Why you take for instance this old broken heart, if you will just replace the missing parts you would be surprised to find how good it really is. Take it and you never will be sorry that you did. 
You can easily afford the price. Love is all you need to purchase all the merchandise. And I will guarantee you'll be completely satisfied

Had a different title and introduction intended in order to break this long fast I had taken from writing. Death to Santa isn't real writing since it's more of a recap than anything else.

After the formatting(that's what my friends prefer to refer to the ECT), I knew that I'd probably have a return of old habits and emotions. Surprise surprise, that didn't come to pass. I knew I'd be able handle my emotions more differently from how I did during the depression, and they wouldn't be as they were before that period.

See, I have more experience now. I'm no longer a child new to relationships, no longer vulnerable to puppy love. Still just as stupid when it comes to love, though. The stupid aspect I'll reveal in later entries....hopefully.

I have been in quite a few relationships, few not in the quantitative euphemism for a ridiculously large number, but few in the literal sense. I could lose my hand then give a few digits from the remaining one and still be able to count on my still attached hand how many serious relationships I've been in.

But how do you define a serious relationship? Was it serious because the thought of marriage crossed your mind, serious that you introduced her to your parents, or serious in the sense that you reached a point in the relationship that you never even once imagined yourself ever being with someone else, and it was ok?

 Or is it serious because even after it has ended you don't have regrets about ever being with them, and you still care for your former partner and hope all the best for them in all their future endeavours (and are actually not being sarcastic and whispering curses under your breath like the asshole in you used to do after a fling when you were younger). Is that a sign of maturity, or is it a sign that the relationship is really gone and the embers turned to ash, with chance of rekindling dead with them?

It has been said a lot of times, life is short; you're barely walking when you get thrown into school where you learn to read; and as your mind is opening up to the new world contained in literature your hormones kick in and the instinct of seeking companionship is woken up. Then the game changer -  you're out of your parents' and have to fend for yourself and maybe seek companionship. Before you know it you have offspring, and soon they're also leaving you and you have to deal with the fact of your mortality same way you did coming in to life, confused and unsure what the hell life is about.

Life really is short. And I'm caught up in the grey area where I can take care of myself but still unsure if I want to invest my emotions in taking care of others. I don't want to make any more mistakes, or enemies, but I know those are inevitable unless I bend over backwards for everyone, though even then I would still make enemies from those who don't like the way I keep getting pushed around. - and to clarify the previous sentence, I don't get pushed around!- Just the normal getting pushed around where I can't afford to make a snarky comment to people in higher authority in some situations because I kinda really really need pay my bills on a regular basis and being homeless would dampen my ability to continue trying to escape the rat-race.

I was on matters relationships. I dunno*, if there is once thing I'm determined never to do it's to make enemies out of people I loved and allowed to see me at my most vulnerable. I take love seriously because it's the one thing that ever makes sense in this life, or at least my life. If I said or expressed that I love you no force in this universe could ever take it back, or make it mean any less than when I first knew it. even proper grammar can't effectively explain it!

I'll probably make more mistakes, hopefully I'll be able to make up for them, hopefully I'll never find myself having to walk away and breaking promises of not walking away.

What was the point of this whole entry?

Love is sometimes eternal. We may be unable to express it sometimes, but that doesn't negate its existence or water down what it meant before when it could be expressed more easily and openly.

A poet never takes notes. You never take notes in a love affair - Robert Frost.

* now? I think I put that asterisk over that word because it's not proper English...honestly forgot since there are more slang words elsewhere within the entry. Also, I rarely ever go back over some entries, like this one, this is to keep myself from editing out important points