Is he planning to "plough" you?

Disclaimer:This entry should in no way be confused gay bashing. I happen to have a very tolerant perception of homosexuality; that people should be free to pursue whatever makes them happy. Rape is also a serious issue not to be joked about…like I've done here. So if you don't have any semblance of humour in you…move along to the older entries…or new one. They probably have something that will appeal to a one track mind
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Yeah, I know this one has been a long time coming, but finally, the scintillating sequel!

Previously we talked of how a straight guy may fall prey to the "seduction" of a closet friend who isn't ready to go through the painstaking process of turning a straight man. We continue with the tips on what to notice and avoid getting anal raped.

1. Does he place a hand on your thigh?
   

   In the history of sexual overture none has been stronger than the gesture of placing a hand upon another's thigh. If a guy ever does that to you, punch him. That is the only way to cleanse the sacrilege inflicted upon your body. If he is bigger than you, slowly edge away uncomfortably and don't make eye contact.
   

2. He doesn't like it when you bring your girlfriend
   I once had a friend, again note the tense, who never seemed to like any of my exes especially when I brought them to our drinking sessions, unless we'd just broken up, and then he'd go, "Awww, how now? She seemed nice." He probably didn't realize I saw the possessiveness and the silent high five he gave himself. Possessiveness by a dude to another dude implies, nay, PROVES, that he plans to do you at one time or another, whether you like it or not.
   


3. He desperately wants to be roomies
   

   When I was in third year in campus I got a job so I was able to afford my own place. Anyone who knows me knows I love my space; there's nothing I love more than just blacking out on the carpet surrounded by music. Then comes this co-worker desperately wanting to be roomies. I go like "dude, you making enough to live on your own, WTF!!!". I assumed he was planning something sinister especially since he had shown creepy tendencies like number 8, 9 and 10 below. Key point here is, if somebody shows they want something too much and you can't see any feasible/useful outcome, run!
   

4. He want to spend time with you
   

   This point pretty much speaks for itself. Personally if a guy calls me more than two times a day and it's not business related, I start avoiding him. Guys don't just call each other to "just talk". Guys go out for drinks, guys talk about girls and the topic focuses mostly on boobs, Julie gichuru and the craziest place you ever got laid. So if you have this guy friend who just wants to hang out just the two of you, think twice. It's just not ok.
   

5. He opens up to you emotionally
   

   No need to expound here. He's trying to reel you in emotionally. If he doesn't succeed he'll probably try some of the later points.
   

6. You've never actually seen him hook up with a real woman
   

   I once had this friend, who was all talk, yet when we were hanging out with the rest of the boys and our current girlfriends (the usage of the term is loose here when it came to me considering it was our first hook up with the girl), his girlfriend wasn't there. I started to suspect she wasn't real. I even started to suspect the saucy texts he showed us came from his other phone whose number none of us knew.
   

7. He says "Who needs women anyway"
   

   So the said friend who texts himself and has a very active pathetic account on adultfriendfinder after striking out when he tried to hit on my girlfriend (yeah I was in a relationship) started talking smack about girls in general. He'd struck out several other times, probably because their gaydars were primed and they probably figure he was a freak. A question I actually got more than once was "how can you work with that freak?"
   

   Women may be hard to understand (read impossible), but no matter what we still love them and still want to sleep with them. Even gay dudes love women. So a guy who seems to dislike women may be doing so because he blames them for the lack of enough opportunity and this is where serial killers and rapists come from. You know the kinds who are seen on CSI tying up the woman in the bathroom, smacking the guy unconscious and dragging him to the bedroom…not funny.
   

8. He peeks in the urinal
   
   Figure 3: There's a theory about size being relevant in determination of who becomes the screwer and who is made the screwee…we talking muscle mass here
   

   The general rule of thumb in a urinal is eyes should be on the wall. If your friend constantly peeks after following you into the urinal, user beware! In as much as the urinal is great for showing off and intimidating guys trying to hit on your girl, it is also a ripe recruitment area for potential ass bandits. You have to consider the fact they might not actually interested her. Rather you might find yourself engaged in a sword fight you will just end losing, morally and literally.
   

9. Does he want you to partake in a crime
   
   Figure 4: Chanting "The booty is mine no one can have it" doesn't necessarily guarantee you won't be anal raped
   
   

   The final most important advice in avoiding being raped as a guy, avoid prison. After lengthy research on the statistics of rape in prison, evidence collected by watching hours of The Boondocks reruns, it has become clear that going to prison is an assurance you WILL be penetrated anally. So the next time he suggests lighting a joint in front of a police station or in public, know he has plans, probably of getting you to drop the soap.
   

10. Avoid queues
    

    We have all been stuck in queues at one time or another, maybe in the supermarket, or the bank. Statistics show that queues are the number one crime scenes for the passive rape of men. Passive rape involves rubbing up against you in a queue until a phenomenon commonly known as "jizz in my pants" is achieved. Though it is arguable there was no penetration, the feeling of violation is still the same.
    

11. Does he want to watch twilight with you?
    

    Personally I haven't watched twilight, because I'm straight, and straight men don't admit to having watched twilight. Straight men watch True Blood, where Eric admits to being bisexual but is still cool, because he can fly. Even Clark from Smallville can't hack flying.
    

    
    

    
    
    Figure 1: "My name is Eric, I'm moody, I want Suki, but I'll fuck you too, both literally and figuratively. I threw Lady Gaga off a balcony, coz I'm gangster"
    
    I heard twilight vampires walk in the sun and practice abstinence. True vampires laugh in the face of abstinence. So the idea of the fairy tale of a vampire that wants to wait till you get married or converts you first is ridiculous. Only fairies exist in fairies tales. In essence this means if a guy wants to watch Twilight with you, he is gay and in extension wants to rape you.
    

12. Does he try to get you drunk?
    

    I once had a friend (note the past tense) who used to buy me a lot drinks. It never escaped me the extreme look of disappointment in his face when he realized my tolerance to alcohol was extremely high, in that I never blacked out or lost coherence. This was because I respect one cardinal question "do you suspect his sexuality". If the answer is yes, cross him out of your drinking buddy list.
    

    The same reason you smile at her and refill her drink is the same reason he is smiling at you and calling for another round.
    

13. What type of music is playing in the background when he invited you to his place
    
    Figure 2: Note the extreme horror and surprise...bet he didn't see it coming…bet he wont see it coming(sic)
    I guess this should also go along with "is anyone else invited", but it's more fun this way. If he plays anything by Ace of Base or ABBA especially Flower or Dancing Queen, run! I once saw a St. Georges parade on TV where they were playing Dancing Queen in the background. In scrubs when JD was almost married to an old man, guess what music was in the background… Ever since, I've always associated Dancing Queen to daisy dukes.
    

So how can you tell when it's too late to mitigate anal rape? Ans: when you have been already been done; here're things to look out for:

1. Instead of loud farts they come out in form of a silent whoosh
   
2. Yeah, that's basically it…the whoosh
   

Change and moving on; what to keep, what to discard

I'm not really that self centered. I love myself just about as much as everybody else loves themselves, except when i'm in the funk(new word i picked up to denote the bipolar depression phase). I just like to illustrate what i'm talking about using personal experiences.

We have all experienced major changes in our lives, we have moved residence, school and personality, relationship, and in all this moving we've had a change in environment, met new people and had self realization moments. In lieu of all this change how do you know what to keep and what to discard?
Last year i lost somebody i really liked, not lost like in they died or moved, but lost in detaching emotionally. We had known each other for years, longer than i've known most of my friends in campus. We had attained the type of closeness gossip media would refer as "cozy".
I guess i'd been so used to having her around i never imagined i could just break all connections with her. Then sometime in april she did what i like to call "mortal sin" -not the catholic one- and she was dead to me. In an unrelated event, back then, my bestfriend was still just a good friend, even though we had a strong connection i wasn't ready to explore it by then.
Complacency is always a stumbling block in moving on, because we are so used to it we ignore change yet the current conditions we live in are no longer useful and actually hinder our continuity and development.
I'm not saying that that friend was useless, i'm saying it had reached a point where i was there for her more than she was for me. I know critics will argue about the selfless nature of friendship and not expecting anything back. I say, there is something called leeching. I guess i don't see the point where i sustain your emotional wellbeing and all you give back is bitchiness arrogance and a whole load of bullshit. We mended fences and are still friends but she knows she's never going to have whatever she had then back because she fucked up and i moved on. I mention her because she was the primary reason i found out what my best friend is made of. Pity they've never met.

2010 has proved to be the fucked up of them all. This has been the year i was dumped, had to quit the job i'd had for over two years, became bankrupt, and lost friends i'd known for years.
Losing my gf was the single most painful thing i've experienced in my life. A part of me was taken out and killed in the worst most horrible way. For months i avoided friends and family because i'd been reduced to nothing. At work i was a zombie, i'd clock in as early as i could and leave as late as i could, so much so i never even realized a colleague took advantage and robbed me thousands till way later when nothing could be done to recover it. How did i move on?
Baby steps. I had to first get peace with myself and love myself, a process that took months since it triggered a sleeping demon in my mind called the funk. It was a process that forced me to make changes in my life, shift priorities and i made it out alive. Usage of the word stronger would be wrong. Something died, taking a chunk of my personality with it; a lot of the spontaneity, daring and flirty, but i lived. I have been in other mini relationships since then but my detachment is kind of high, an example of the wrong type of change, since i usually walk away without as much as a phonecall to say i'm leaving you. Its much easier for me to walk away now which is actually a double edge sword, on one hand i can't get hurt, on the other, maybe i'm missing out on something good.

I've lost friends too, in most cases it was just a case of betrayal, something i'd have reacted to in prior years by just taking out a large chunk of the trust but keep the friendship going. But stealing from me by taking advantage of me being dumped was low and not forgivable. I'm not mad, i just pity anyone who can do that, i could easily get even, but why bother?
Losing somebody i loved and many of my friends was rough, but it just showed how strong i could be. I'm still not totally recovered but i try to live each day positively and take the challenge to make new better friends. One thing i chose to keep is my best friend, i know i've mentioned her a lot, but that girl is full of surprises, the good kind. I'll always adjust my life to accommodate her.
As i try get back my charm, spontaneity and general good humour, i just pray to God i make the right kind of decisions, for in the way of new experiences lie many hurdles and beartraps, and as you make new friends you need an old friend you can trust to walk with you and share.
Peace