Monday, December 31, 2012

Death to Santa V: New Hope

Another year finished above ground! Yaay!  This year’s note is going to be different; can't manage humour this time since there was little to smile about.
It has been a year with loads of tragedy and a little but significant good fortune.
Lost two people, I’d known all my life, within a few months of each other which sucked donkey. I feel regret because I never showed them that they meant a lot to me; I let apathy run my relationship with most people which I’m starting to realize leads to a lower quality of life. The ode I wrote to them at different times still lies in my drafts to forever remain unfinished (I pray not).
Got off the bipolar medication and stopped seeing the psychologist completely; mostly because the sessions had become monotonous, repetitive and predictable. Going off the meds was necessary because I’d developed memory lapses, emotional disconnection and my creativity professionally and personally had reached an all-time low and kept going down! It was the hardest thing physically, getting off them, because I realized, soon enough, that there are medicines you don’t just get off cold turkey. So it took about 4-5 months to be completely off them. As expected the episodes began to show up again, but later, but they aren’t as crippling as before and I do my best to handle them and keep them from ruining/ending my life. Had a close call, a really really close call, but I survived and it didn’t make me  better person or improve my ability to handle it, but bottom line is, I’m still alive and loving it!
Still on that, 2012 is the year I can say I almost completely overcame the damage that 2010 had put in my life, my emotions are almost stable and my interpersonal skills are slowly coming back as I overcome the paranoia that I had developed towards everyone. Slowly breaking down that wall that keeps me emotionally indifferent towards new people, which is a big win!
Personal life wise, my emotions are still stabilizing and maturing, this is taking note that strong emotions like love for people who aren’t my immediate family, are recent to me; this taking into consideration that before 2009 I never could have definitively said I’d ever been in love with or loved anyone. Sucks, right? For the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me, but time teaches you that everything has its own time. While I like to assert that I have control of most facets of my life, there are those that I have to leave to fate. Besides how fun would life have been had we been able to predict everything? Anyway, I’m no longer a newbie to love and my (romantic) relationships seem to last longer now. Which I believe is good because I am happy. To be frank, I’d never date somebody who isn’t my friend first, that’ll segue me to the next section…
When it comes to good friends, I seem to have many of those. Plus my friends from my previous life have come back! Guess it’s a sign that I’m practically fixed! Or that I’m slowly reverting back to what I was *shivers*, but I doubt, the cynicism is practically all gone and I have recovered most things I lost or gave away. My new friends make me happy and are loyal to a fault which I automatically return in kind. By ‘new’ I mean people I’ve developed friendships with in the last year or so.
Career and financially I’m still not where I was but it’s ok, there are encouraging signs of that happening. Guess it’s the only aspect I haven’t fixed completely. But the one thing I’ve realized is that even in programming there are backstabbing bastards. The one thing I wonder is why people don’t stick to their lanes. The moment I realize intentional (yet unnecessary) aggression towards me, just because you feel threatened or insecure, you leave me no choice but to make you realize that I can do your work better than you while you can’t get even close to what I can do. By trying to jeopardize me, you are in fact setting yourself up for a world of hurt and regret. Why would you try to mess me up professionally yet you have no leverage or clout to protect yourself?
2012 is also the year I did something shameful. I got into a fight. The reason I’m sensitive about such things is because I have always known that while my capacity for good is wide, there is the alter ego side which I never want to encourage. And I like to believe I control my instincts and reflexes. I’m not the textbook definition of a nerd or geek, neither am I a fighter. I’m trained for fighting for the very same reason I am adept with various other skills like programming, swimming, cycling etc., in that I just want to push my brain’s capacity to learn and pick up new things/skills/concepts, and master them, to their limits, simple! I never learned it to use it to beat up people.
 I find fighting unnecessary where diplomacy would suffice, but there are those idiots who are the exception. I can’t say their problem is age because even when I was younger I still thought fighting as unnecessary, because we aren’t animals. I believe to be human is to be able to suppress primal instincts. There are those people that manifest their insecurities through unnecessary aggression and bullying. I don’t know whether it stems from having a small dick, having an overshadowing/controlling father figure, low IQ, not being able to sexually satisfy their partner or just plain stupidity. They live among us and I really don’t get it, violence will never solve any problem, it just makes it worse, that’s what most people don’t get. Why do you even need to assert dominance over another person? I find trying to achieve inner peace and harmony with nature more satisfying. But if you are going to pick an unnecessary fight, at least make sure you‘re all in. Don’t hit somebody then run to daddy the moment they defend themselves. Your daddy never told you to go around hitting strangers that are, at most, neutral and indifferent to you, whereby, you may as well be that insignificant pile of dirt next to a murram road. Even from a legal standpoint you as the aggressor are in the wrong. So thanks to some a-hole I almost ruined my pals birthday party and almost screwed up the total inner harmony I’m trying to achieve to find my bliss. Will finish that chapter with a little gem...
"I promised you, dad, not to do the things you've done.I walk away from trouble when I can.Now please don't think I'm weak, I didn't turn the other cheek,And papa, I sure hope you understand:Sometimes you gotta fight when you're a man"

As i look forward to 2013, i'll try to change a few things. Will try to be a better person and i'll do my best to prevent life from corrupting that which i struggle to keep clean. It's the year my bi annual professional cycle comes around and i have to assess whether i'm happy with what i've gained in the last two years and decide if sticking to this career is good for me. Yes! i've been a programmer/developer for less than 2 years and i get to decide if i want to retain that title in 2013.
I also plan to going back to writing as a regular habit and need to put my emotions back into it. I have to admit i became too detached from writing in 2012 and never had the follow through needed to finish articles/entries i'd started. My draft section is enough reminder of that. That changes in 2013.
While i don't want to revert personality-wise to what i was pre 09, it is important i return to the path my life had taken then/was taking, in that i need to be more assertive about what i want. Somehow i'd lost that.

My general plan for 2013 is simple, since we all know that saying about the best laid plans of men and mice, to stay true to myself and what i believe in. That has been my mantra for years now and it gives me anchoring through times of torment and mental terror when my mind becomes a hazardous environment. And to lose the flab, since it's a remainder/after-effect of my dark days.

Happy 2013 people! Regular posts this year. Personal for this blog, and kinda techie ones for

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The year that was: twitter

Oh no, not another blog entry about twitter. Yup, it is. I know right? I’m also ashamed to be writing about twitter when so many blogs, albeit useless(most of them), have done it; but I have about 20 drafts on other topics that I have to get about to finishing before I can post them, and this topic was the easiest to start and finish without any research needed.
This isn’t the first time I’ve written on the topic but it’s most probably the last. Really wish I could provide a link to the other entry but I did it last year and don’t have the bandwidth to go through my past posts. I’ll update here with the link when I finally get the time. The first entry had been a general overview on how to use twitter, a newbie handbook so to speak. This one is more of a recap.
Twitter like any other social network is a dynamic entity and much as I have nostalgia about the days when twitter was still very new (to Kenya) I have to accept the reality that is the twitter of today. So much negativity that before refreshing the page I have to brace myself for the filth and hatred that sometimes spews from it. I’m not the most saintly of people, but damn, people really outdo themselves, there’s really no limit to how low you can go.
When it comes to content I generally enjoy Tuesdays although most of the stuff on there isn’t that much different from what I have on my hard drive, but it is refreshing to see I’m not the only connoisseur for some things. But on a side note my hard drive tops the timeline in the HD, variety and that it’s motion area. In my books, porn is ok, the whole women being objectified angle is just propaganda from some feminist that was pissed her imaginary boyfriend refused to keep her photo in his wallet.
Bullshit and porn aside, when did twitter become the haven for attention seekers? It used to be an open forum where we’d say whatever was in mind and social interaction was peaking positively. We’d attract each other through our minds where like-mindedness and mutual interests brought people together. Reasons to follow would arise from coming across interesting things from a person then going over their content and liking it then following. Nowadays a person just joins twitter does not so random follows then tweets “@fucker #nf”! Which is just a prompt asking you to return in kind.
I have done several avi induced follows but with time you come to realize you get eye candy material but most of the time little else. Which is why I rarely put up my photo, I may neither be ugly nor that good looking but I prefer to be followed through the content of my tweets rather than the image on my avi. When it comes to followers, I treat it the same way I would my resume, I’d rather have a callback based on qualifications rather than face the bias that comes with showing the…umm…face. Who even puts a photo on their resume (modelling/tv exempted)? Anyway as long as the majority of my tweets are my thoughts and opinions with little to no attention seeking, I can sleep easy with the printouts of the retweets I get, under my pillow. When they are enough I shall shred and use them for padding in the pillow.
The worst trait, for me, about the anonymity that comes with social media would be the cowardly settling of vendettas. I have used the collective “social media” because this includes blogs. When you start a blog with the intention of tarnishing somebody’s reputation while hiding behind the veil of anonymity, you are just being cowardly. The prose in some of those blogs is sometimes so fucked up it actually counts as mind rape too (and I wish the PC crew would also add mind rape to that list where according to them saying “Merry Christmas” is offensive to people from other religions…and atheists), reason I stopped automatically checking out some links. But here’s a rule of thumb to assist you when using social media to settle scores, if (theoretically?) you can’t say it to your target’s face, even with a glass wall or chain-link separating you so that at least they know who said it, don’t bother saying it; because then you’ll just be a little whiny bitch and you’d have done the world a huge favour by having waited that one out and come out in a wet dream.
Nowadays I avoid tweeting where I am because events on the timeline have made me wary of meeting new people through twitter, which wasn’t the case little over a year ago. This is sadder considering how many of my good pals I met through twitter and facebook. Haven’t used foursquare or activated specific location in my tweets in a while too!
Basic etiquette dictates that should a photo of me be taken using a device belonging to a third party and the said third party isn’t in the frame then the third party isn’t allowed to publish the photo onto any social/public platform where it’s available to many people, without first asking for my authorisation. Simple! Furthermore, since you are not in the photo, what right do you have to publish that photo on a public platform, regardless of the fact that it was your capture device that was used!  Hell, even if the third party is in the frame, the fact that I’m also in it means that for the photo to be used in any public forum its publishing should be authorised by all parties clearly visible in it. This isn’t about being politically correct it’s about privacy! While I may have willingly posed for the photo, the act didn’t carry implicit authorisation for publishing!
Sadly privacy is really a thing of the past as it seems more than a considerable number of people have taken tweetups as an opportunity to dig dirt on strangers they met online. I don’t really understand why you would want dirt on me yet you barely know me and we barely ever interact both professionally and personally. If you sincerely just wanted to meet to confirm whether the personality projected in my tweets matches the live me that’s cool since I’d assume you want to know me better, but you have no right to try use things I told you in confidence against me online. Here I’m referencing the numerous tweefs. We should really respect each other in this area. You are allowed to use anything I published in a public forum against or for me but anything I chose to keep off, you aren’t allowed to post on my behalf…it isn’t really that complicated, is it?

Anyway here’s a list of the top tweeps in different categories I came up with:
Do I look that bored?
And finally, there’s this new breed of “social media experts” who have ambition. This section is specifically for you. Please join me in camera 3. (Blame Jon Stewart for the previous sentence)
So, you have a few thousand followers, a somewhat well-known (kinda biased/one sided/ screams “SNOB”) blog and have a vision of heading a motivated department into the future and beyond… Where the head drives a Veyron, has an Olympic size swimming pool filled with Courvoisier circulated and replaced every few hours to keep it from going stale, the poolside padded with a mat woven from the pubes of ten thousand virgins, and you rejected Phelp’s application to be your lifeguard and hired James Cameron and his sub to stay submerged and pull you up if you stayed underwater too long…because you don’t know how to swim….ok, this metaphor has dragged for too long…
 Ambition is great and is vital in an increasingly crowded, competitive yet highly rewarding sector namely digital; but before you delve into that world please leave your ego at the door. In professions like medicine and law you can afford ego because they’re time tested (the professions, dumbass) and have well setup guidelines that if you excel in you pretty much earn the right to brag.
For digital you’re dealing with dynamics like people’s preferences in usage of social networks and other digital architecture, and fads. Something may be relevant today then obsolete the next day with no defined timeline or prediction [read MySpace]. Remember the internet as we know it i.e. the www with hyperlinks and all that is relatively new, and blogs and micro-blogs are even younger!  You can’t really claim the information on their behaviour/reason to be time-tested.
You as the person making a pitch on use of digital media to investors are equivalent to the weatherman, you will make many confident predictions but few will actually pan out. More so on profitability. Your role at most should be ceremonial but in the same way everybody still needs an idea on what tomorrow’s weather will be like, the investors may decide to stick with you; so you just make those educated guesses and just cross your fingers. Remember humble pie tastes better if you were modest to begin with, especially when much of the interpretation of existing data came out of your ass.  You really don’t set yourself apart by making a presentation to digital professionals and repeatedly stating “content is king”…really? The fuck do you think they get paid for? Chiselling models of computers in soapstone then selling for profit?
And the most important thing in digital, you have to make your services available to as many people as is technologically possible! This can never be stressed enough! The minute you make it a class thing…well…you’ll barely make it through the door.
Take this advice from a not so savvy person exposed to a lot of social media ish but-can’t-refer-to-himself-as-an-expert-yet
Overall, I’m thankful for the few people I meet through social media (read twitter) that make it worth staying on for a little bit longer. It’s the few gems hidden in the dirt that are so valuable that you don’t mind digging a little bit more if only to find more like those.
A pal is getting married in a few hours so I gotta dress up and get going.
Peace mes amies.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Mental health

That’s a big issue. So yesterday a minister’s kid killed himself, which raised the ugly topic about suicide on twitter. It really was more of a one sided affair with people castigating those who contemplate or commit suicide. At first I was angry but later I guess I felt sorry, sorry for the level of ignorance and sorry for the number of people who will continue to suffer and/or die because mental health is not highlighted enough.
I’ll use myself as a living example. I’m not ashamed to admit I have been to that level where I contemplated suicide; to the point I knew the how, among other horrible things. Though I guess there’s nothing more horrible than taking your own life. And I am among the lucky few.
I’m not really that sure where to begin or how to go about this. I won’t be that comprehensive, I’m not a mental health pro but I guess I expect after reading this, you might have an idea what goes through the mind of a mentally ill person, and you go out and learn more about mental health. I’ll cover only what I know well, and/or have experienced and get you on the journey that will hopefully result in more awareness and will get somebody in need the help they require.
There are several types of mental illnesses out there. I’ve experienced two; bipolar disorder and depression. These are the ones I’ll cover because they’re the most common and I have some semblance of experience with them.
I’ll start with bipolar disorder. For the most part this blog has been about my day to day experience with bipolar, since I started it(coincidentally though) right about the time I was informed that I might have the condition. As regular readers already know, that was confirmed last year i.e. stopped being a “might have”. Will make it as short as I can. Basically bipolar is a mood disorder characterized by elevated moods, the highs referred to as mania, and the downs just known as lows. It’s not a constant thing and may occur once, twice or several times a year. Untreated, this is incremental, meaning once you get the first episode, there will only be more. The mood cycle mostly begins with a feeling like euphoria or awesomeness that may last from a few hours to a day or two, followed by the low which basically feels like a period of reduced self-esteem and low confidence.
The reason it took me so long to get treatment was because I loved the highs and the occurrence of lows was negligible. Plus I used to get stoned and drunk a lot and therefore couldn’t recognize whether it was the drugs talking or the sick me. Some of the things I did, I don’t write about because my colleagues read this blog and even though I try to live my life as openly as possible, there’re facets of me I’d rather keep for my inner circle. I was lucky in my old job because my boss valued my input (and was my friend) so had tolerance for some of the stunts I pulled in the middle of such episodes, but more of that later.
With time I started to accept the whole ben-might-be-bipolar thing so I was able to observe my moods and have reasonable control over myself. Writing helped too, because I could compare the mood in the text with what I know as my normal self. I can’t tell at what exact point the lows turned to full blown depression and incidentally I didn’t know that till I met my current shrink.
 The mechanism behind depression is really really complicated. I remember in primary school we skimmed over depression, most probably because we were too young to comprehend this extreme form of sadness that just sucks the joy out of life. According to my shrink, depression is really more common than we think, it’s just that in most people it’s recognized too late to help them effectively. Depression is many times triggered by stress.  Be it from work, relationship and other external factors. Simple as it may seem, getting out of depression doesn’t simply involve “sucking it up” or shrugging it away.
In the brain there is a chemical called serotonin. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter. Fluctuations of this chemical affects moods. In bipolar disorder the brain is not able to regulate the amounts of this chemical so sometimes it’s in excess resulting in  mania and when it’s a little resulting in the lows. Mine is mild bipolar so my body pretty much got things under wrap most of the time. For depression, the body is producing very little serotonin. I know, right? How can such a stupid little chemical do so much damage!? Anyway that is basically it! Genetic predisposition means some people are more vulnerable to depression than others.
Umm…so what do I talk about now… Oh yes, how depression affects a person’s life. You have to remember this article is just about sating the curiosity about what the fuck goes through a depressed person’s mind, it’s not an article you can quote because the experience might be different for somebody else, but there are professional journals about all this.
When you are depressed you are in a dark dark room in the most remote recesses of your mind. You may have things going for you but you can’t notice it. My self-esteem was low, although I tried to fake it. When I got home after work all I wanted to do was be by myself and I’d beat myself up about why I couldn’t hold a relationship, why I’d become poor, why at my age I was still living with my parents while many of my age-mates were having families. i would cry to sleep many times and I’d hate myself more for doing that because I’m a man. Generally I knew my life sucked.
I would have trouble sleeping and when it was morning I didn’t want to wake up, I just wanted to go back to my sleep to the sweet peace that is unconsciousness. This way the brain is conditioned the Pavlov way to associate the darkness with good and consciousness with bad. I always thought about death a lot all that time, but I was like “noo, what about my mom and sister. What will they think?” Mental reasoning is all screwed up (but you don’t realize that), sane reasoning is eroded over time because I started to think, look at the way they’re always sad because of me. Wouldn’t they be so much better off without me, at least they’ll be able to focus on more important things, their lives. See where I’m leading?
Eventually you come to the conclusion the world is better off without you. I am catholic so I also thought about hell, but realized I was living in one. I would drag myself out of bed, and go to work but I would wonder why the heck I was bothering with that shit. I spent over one year in that routine till I forgot what happiness was. Mind you I wasn’t depressed all the time, I had happy days, but when I got depressed, it would catch up from where it left off the last time so each time I would be lower. I’m seriously considering publishing some of the extreme things I wrote during those periods, if only for the sake of awareness, many of them were mostly goodbyes and a conclusion of a life “well lived”. Oddly enough my dependence on alcohol reduced and I stopped taking weed completely, to this day I never understood why because in many cases of depression the opposite is the rule. My shrink can’t tell me why either. I guess I wanted to enjoy my last moment as myself. Oh, here’s something to note, when a depressed person seems to suddenly come out of it and seems happy again; that is the most dangerous point because it is indicative they’ve come to a decision.
No, not the decision to seek treatment and suck it up “because life is hard for everyone anyway”. It means they’re at peace with themselves and their decision. It is that final moment when that voice/instinct of self-preservation finally dies out and there’s no inner conflict. I would know; I was almost at that point, right at the cusp. Oh I wanted to die alright but that voice in me hadn’t given up yet, I had to try one last thing before coming to my final decision(morbid huh?)…I wanted to see a psychiatrist. He is good people, wanted me hospitalized immediately because he thought he wouldn’t see me again. Yeah, hospitalization is just my nice way of saying Mathare mental hospital. Nah, I kid, they have private mental institutions. He didn’t charge for that session and I think he wanted to pay for my hospitalization, I kid you not. I didn’t have any money when I went there. I hate being confined so obviously there was no way I was going to let anybody hospitalize me. But I used all the money I had and bought the medicine I’d been prescribed and…here we are; more than a year later. I’m no longer depressed and have full control of my life. I know I stopped taking the medicine without consulting the doctor, but it came out he was going to take me off them anyway. I’m only being treated for the bipolar which is a breeze compared to depression.
Anyway, getting out of depression isn’t as easy as it seems, but my family and girlfriend were a big help. The girlfriend because she is the only other person who can really understand the shit-storm that was my mind, having gone through it herself (not bipolar). We broke up several times but eventually it was all good as I healed and had more control over my mental faculties. It had to end though. Pathetic, huh? You go through years of hell and when things are finally good…but that has been covered, I guess. But long story short, I love my family and they have always been there for me and really helped me especially in making me realize I was loved regardless of who I am; but Shae was the one who made me realize I could get out of it and be happy for once. She was my rock and for that I’ll forever be grateful.
My point is depressed people can’t do it alone. Most of the time you have to reach out to them to make them realize they are sick. Believe me, they don’t know that that is something that can be treated through therapy and medication. The worst thing you can do is judge them because you make it worse. I used to think being suicidal was cowardice too (the times before I was depressed, obviously). The only reason I got out of it so fast was because I knew I had a problem. As far as my doctor is concerned, I’m not out of the woods yet…fyi. I was depressed for a whole year before I got treatment, most people have gone longer without knowing and in them the damage is much worse and you need more patience.
It takes a lot to convince a person they’re ill. Depression is a disease no less like AIDS or cancer and the most important step is to make the depressed person come to accept it as such. It’s not shameful. Being taken to Mathare is not shameful, I know we make fun of that place a lot but I think it’s about time we stopped stigmatizing mental health treatment. Taking antidepressants isn’t shameful, seeing a psychiatrist isn’t something to feel shy about; when you need a doctor, you need a doctor.
Most importantly, even if they don’t want to talk about their feelings with you, don’t feel bad, they’ll get there, just make them feel your world is a much happier place because they’re there, whether they appear “damaged” or not.
One last thing, treatment of bipolar and/or depression is freaking expensive. If you know a friend is having difficulty paying for it, help them or find a way to help them. The treatment is really important. I’m lucky insurance started paying for my treatment; I had actually stopped for a couple of weeks because of financial reasons! Went to a pharmacist and the cost of the medicine was 18k! Really fucked up, huh?
I guess now it’s time to give the list of symptoms to look out for:
·         People become withdrawn no psyche in life
·         Decreased productivity at work, decreased energy
·         Hopelessness/pessimism
·         Sadness
·         Suicidal thoughts
·         Jfgi
 For bipolar I’ll just let you google it. But I don’t think bipolar is that serious especially in its milder form. Regardless, I’m having it treated and doing my best to stick to the medical regime assigned. But I really hate popping pills every day and I long for the time all I’ll need is the psychiatric help alone. Bipolar is really cool though when you think about it, right? It’s like FREE BOOZE, no hangover, no liver damage. Anyhoo, I’ve digressed. I tend to contradict myself a lot when it comes to bipolar. It is rather a double edged sword sadly.  You get this really awesome designer drug for free but dangling on it is a disclaimer “side effects may include: loss of job, loss of savings, loss of relationship, STI, death from the God-syndrome, depression etc…”
And those who make it a habit of judging people for thinking about suicide, nobody appreciates life more than the person that almost ended their own because only they know how close they came to going off the edge and how helpless that feeling is! I know you say those things out ignorance and mean the best, but fuck you. You don’t know!
Anyway I have done my part in showing you what it feels like to be depressed. Your part now is to find out more about it. I’ve only scratched the surface. On Wikipedia there’re over a hundred mental illnesses listed; chances are, somebody you know is suffering from one of them and doesn’t even know it. Do your part. Nobody ever died from knowing too much…unless you’re working for the mafia or a drug baron, in which case, good luck.
As a footnote, I know there are group sessions for people with mental illnesses which may be helpful if you think you are suffering from a mental illness or know somebody suffering from it. It really helps to talk about it with somebody you know has gone or is going through the same. If you need the contacts hit me up on twitter(@iz_ben). I’ll confess I’ve never gone to any because I don’t need to talk about it; I write almost all my experiences which is therapy enough (and remember I had a girlfriend that had gone through the same who helped a lot), plus i have a professional psychiatrist, which as far as I'm concerned is enough. Sorry, stubborn is in my nature.
Keep safe and look out for your physical, emotional and mental well-being, and of course those of the people close to you. Cheers.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

O is for Obedience

HAVING AN OBEDIENT WIFE and kids who flinch and hide in the corner of the room when you come home is the hallmark of a successful family. Since having a well tempered wife is essential to asserting one’s manliness, here is a quick guide to finding and training your new wife.
WHERE TO FIND A WOMAN Bringing a woman into your home is a life-altering decision that requires careful consideration. Before you make the financial, social, and time commitment to adopt a woman, ask yourself if you’re ready for the ongoing responsibility. Once you’ve decided that a woman is right for you, the first step is to find one. Here are a few places to start your search:
Most women can be found in malls—large shopping establishments that can be found in most major cities. Malls are rife with idle women ready for the picking. You can find women of different builds depending on which area of the mall you look in. For example, looking in trendy or novelty clothing stores will yield a younger, valley-girl type of woman, whereas if you look in the food court, you will usually find a larger breed of woman with thicker thighs that are more suitable for birthing.
College campuses are a great resource for men in the market for women who come fixed. Females on university campuses are likely to be in heat, in good health, and anxious to leave the confinement of their self imposed academic prisons. Since stock models of these women come sterile, they’re ideal for men who are looking to avoid undesirable sexually transmitted diseases(namely children).
If women are like steaks, then the big greasy chunks of gristle that are left over after you finish the meal are what you’ll find in bars. Fortunately, there is a way to separate out the high-quality women from the low in bars and clubs. When you stand near a woman, listen for a faint whistling noise coming from between her legs, as if wind were passing through a large, hollow cavern. If you hear this sound, your prospective woman may have a condition commonly referred to as “whore.” Be wary of these women, as clubs tend to harbor many of them.
TYPES OF WOMEN Once you find an establishment with women, the next step is to choose a woman that’s right for you based on your level of commitment. Surprisingly, not all women are the same; that is, women can vary greatly in intelligence, body type, and personality. The following is a list of the most common classifications of women.
BLONDESThis type of woman is energetic and enthusiastic. These personality traits will wear thin after a couple of minutes and will transform into another personality trait known as “annoying.” Blondes love to laugh, drink, and hang out in bars, and as such have a propensity to be loose. Women with blond hair tend to have overtanned skin and blue eyes, which are seen as desirable physical traits by some men. This desirability is fueled by the music and television industries; so this type of woman is greatly sought after. Some analysts believe that, due to overvaluation, the market for blondes is about to burst.
BRUNETTES: As a rule of thumb, brunettes are more meek than their blonde counterparts, due to the higher perceived value of blondes. This underlying devaluation will occasionally manifest itself as “low self-esteem,” making brunettes more easily attainable. Unfortunately, not all brunettes are desirable, and the exceptions can be tragic. For example, the brunettes with lighter skin tend to sport especially noticeable moustaches, due to the dark color of their hair follicles. This type of woman may require a high level of maintenance to keep presentable.
REDHEADS: Redheads require a very assertive owner due to the trying natures of these women. For instance, most redheads are very combative with other women and even some men if you allow it to happen. The dominant nature of this breed may be undesirable to men with flimsy backbones.
  NEW OWNER CHECKLIST After you select a woman, it’s important to go through the following checklist to make sure she is right for you:
• Is the woman’s body clean and well trimmed? Are her upper-lip, shoulders, and lower back clear of hair?
• Any unusual smells? For that matter, any “usual” smells?
•Any excess baggage? This could be fat, kids, or psychological issues.
• Does she have black fingernails, nappy looking hair, scar tissue around her wrists, bags under her eyes, or creepy pink thigh-high stockings? (All these say “head case.” Be wary these women can be exhilarating at times, but you’re just as likely to have your penis cut off in your sleep.)
• Are her shots and vaccinations current?
• Does she walk with a limp?
• Does she look like she’s been bred more than twice?
• Did you check to make sure she’s not wearing flip-flops?

BRINGING YOUR WOMAN HOME There are several preparations you need to make before bringing your woman home. This is done for the safety of your property and belongings, as well as to prevent any unexpected medical bills due to accidental ingestion of drugs or toxic substances that may be in your home.
If left unsupervised, you will find that most women will naturally find their way to the kitchen. Although your kitchen may appear to be safe at first, there are several potential risks that you need to be aware of. The most common accidents occur when pot handles are left hanging over the edge of the stove. Make sure to turn the handles toward the back of the stove, where she will be less likely to knock them over while she’s mopping the floors.
Make sure to keep medicine and supplements locked in cabinets. Some women have occasional fits of depression and may attempt to get attention by swallowing half a bottle of Tylenol. While this rarely poses a threat to the woman’s safety, Tylenol is expensive. One exception to this rule can be made with Midol, which you should leave in a candy dish in plain sight at least once per month. This will help keep your woman’s irritability in check. If you find that your woman is not consuming the Midol, you may consider mixing crushed tablets into her food.
BATHING TIPS: It’s important never to leave your woman alone in the tub, lest she slip and drown. Always stay with your Woman while she’s in the tub; you may even consider joining her. A long day of cooking and cleaning will make a woman filthy, so make sure to run an extra hot bath or shower, and scrub behind her ears and between her breasts-especially between her breasts. A woman’s chest is the filthiest part on her body and needs extra scrubbing to clean. Sometimes scrubbing isn’t enough, so you must use your mouth on her nipple pores to thoroughly clean your woman.
All women require some level of exercise and diet to keep fit and presentable. How much exercise a woman requires depends on several factors, including her body weight, frame, chest size, and self-esteem. For example, a woman with a low self-esteem will tend to overeat, causing her more weight gain than a woman with higher self-esteem.
Women with large busts require a type of exercise that consists of jogging, skipping, or jumping up and down on a trampoline. These types of exercise will help you determine your woman’s chest pliability. Some women with breast augmentations may show signs of discomfort while doing these exercises, in which case you should promptly exchange her for a natural model that won’t suffer from boulder tit syndrome.
Managing your woman’s diet won’t be simple, but can be accomplished by giving her less food. If your woman seems irritable with less food, try supplementing her meals with unflattering comments about her hips and thighs. Failing that, you may need to bring another woman into the picture; nothing makes a woman shape up like the threat of another woman vying for your attention. With practice you’ll find that a woman’s jealousy can be used like a tool to manipulate her into doing all sorts of things to gain your praise.
It’s also important to feed your woman high-quality food to prevent infections and other undesirable effects such as upset stomach, diarrhea, and bitching. Feeding her filler foods (i.e., Taco Bell) may cause parasites to invade her body. If you suspect that this is the case, have a stool sample checked for worms by a qualified physician.
Upon bringing your woman home, house training should be one of your top priorities. The key to effective house training is implementing a reward-counter reward system to encourage good behavior and discourage bad behavior.
A great deal of supervision and patience is required while training your woman to relieve herself properly. She may complain about finding the toilet seat up, but she will eventually learn that she can put the toilet seat down with a fraction of the energy she’d expend complaining about it.
You should reward her good behavior by giving her treats such as flowers (keep your eye out for half-off sales, or if you don’t mind carnations, stop by a cemetery), TV allowances that she can use to watch her favorite shows when you’re not home, and if you’re feeling particularly generous, you could let her take you out to dinner instead of cooking for you.
If an accident should occur, you must exercise care not to overdo your punishment while still sending her a message that this is unacceptable behavior. Make sure that whatever command you say will be simple enough for her to remember easily. These tips taken together will help make your ownership experience a good one.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Of life lessons and other stuff

Hell is still overburdened, I must stand and wait in line. Seems I have commitment treason; all I have sacrificed, led to nothing.
This is one of those blog entries that stay for weeks without being published because when i read them later in the drafts I wanna change a lot and probably take out chunks of it, but i have to fight it since it will ruin the general vybe i had at the time of writing. 
It has been little over a week since I got off the bipolar medications, not because the shrink told me to, but because I said so (said with a lisp); my body, my rules! I can choose to go back to doing drugs and shit and nobody can do jack about it, not my family not my friends not anyone. Funny enough I miss having conversations with myself, because in the long run you realize the only person you can really ever trust is yourself, those voices in my head that I stilled, they were never wrong. People will always pretend to be your friends (or soul-mate) and stab you in the back, people will try to change you, yet Mother Nature intended us to live free and wild. Now, in the current societal norm, that has to be within certain boundaries I guess; you know, my freedom to throw my fist anywhere ends where the other person’s face begins and that type of shit. I long for the time I can afford (figuratively and literally speaking) to let out my inner demons to roam free the way they were meant to and desire. Good guys ALWAYS get fucked! That’s one life lesson you gotta take to heart.
Anyway, getting off the medications isn’t a walk in the park, as I came to realize (ok, I already knew). Since I got on them my body started to rely on them just like narcotics and it seems, like a hooker leaving her pimp, you don’t just get to walk away. Let’s start with the headaches, dear Lord they’re freaky and painful, unlike regular migraines these ones have more oomph in that I feel like somebody is electrifying my brain every few seconds, it’s kinda hard to describe the sensation without shuddering. But I can take it, been through worse shit and lived to tell the tale. I have to take the occasional pill when it gets really unbearable, but I’m able to stay off them for increasingly longer periods.
So why am I getting off the meds without telling the doctor? [He will know soon enough, right about the time I publish this, and we’ll save the insurance company thousands] From of the top of my head: I came out of the depression that had plagued me for little over two years, in that all the negative stimuli that caused it has been removed from my life i.e. I’m no longer stressed, I’m no longer bankrupt  [ok I’m netting way way less than I used to, but I’m not broke], I no longer trust people in general, I changed friends and got rid of the stupid friends, and the number one reason: I finally took control of my emotions! Feelings are stupid; they get you vulnerable, used and hurt. I love my family and all, but that’s pretty much it, rather, as far as I will let them (the feelings) go from now on. In as much as the meds helped take away my depression, they really reduced my creativity. The irony is that the random patterns of thought that gave me all the symptoms of being bipolar, the mania and all that [excluding the lows] made me more creative.
My life has always been an open book, not because I want people in my life, but because I don’t give much of a crud about what people think of me to hide anything. When I was confirmed to be this…you know, the b-word, I didn’t hide it, even if it was a bitter pill to swallow, I took it in stride. If I was gay I wouldn’t hide it [but I don’t push my right to be straight down anyone’s throat or expect a celebration, gays take notice]. So just because you know shit about me doesn’t mean I care(d) enough about you; it just means my ability to give a fuck is so little you can’t even blackmail me, because what you may presume is a dirty little secret is everyday information to everyone else. So, even in the instances I learn of people talking about me behind my back, I just shrug it off. Amazingly enough, I’m not even curious who it is, or what, or the context because that is how much I give a fuck! That is just what life made of me.
If there’s one thing I have learned over time, it’s that people care too much about perception by others. Too many times we’re so busy looking over our shoulders to check if anybody has seen us or is looking that we fail to notice the next step we’re about to take. I guess I’m just recently learning that the one thing I did right before in my life was not caring about what people want me to be. If I had just continued to ease my life into the contours of my desires I would be in a much happier, better place. And that is what is wrong with our society. I am what is wrong with our society.  We want so much to live the lives of others that we forget we have our own desires. We don’t all want the same things. Frankly, that is why we don’t seem to have enough resources. We have been conditioned to think we all want the same things. Call it capitalism, blame the media or whatever you want, bottom line is we have affixed ourselves to such few fixed options it was only natural that they wouldn’t be enough and we’d break down into castes i.e. the haves, could haves and have nots; also leading to the buildup in sensationalist bullshit where we have this inexplicable interest in celebrities and royalty. Ok, I digress. Never meant to talk of capitalism, sustainable development, resources, celebrities and all that in this entry; I’ll cover that in more detail some other time, plus I need to do more research before I cover such topics as an expert[actually I am an expert on sustainable development and resource management ahem], but you get the gist.
My point in all this: be yourself, eat life with a big spoon. Follow your heart and never be afraid to explore your desires. And most importantly, people will always have an opinion about your life whether you’re good or bad, the important thing is not to listen and live your life. I’m avoiding the word “haters” but most people bitch about others because they (the bitchers) aren’t really that interesting; really in the long run what matters is what you think of yourself.  Just remember not to step on peoples toes unnecessarily, remember that thing I said about where your freedom of expression ends. And by living with these tenets your life will be so much happier.  If I have committed any fallacy, consider it intentional.
Keep well mes amies.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Of reasons for writing and what to reveal

That's why my breath is felt by the deaf and why my words are heard and confined to the ears of the blind. I, too, dream in color, and in rhyme, so I guess I'm one of a kind in a full house, cuz whenever I open my heart, my soul, or my mouth, a touch of God reigns out

Was going through the blog and noticed the posts are rare and far in between. I do a personal post about once every 3months but that doesn't seem enough, the blog has not been getting the love and attention it deserves. Guess it's because it's hard to find the time, what with all the work.
Coding is a hard mistress to tame or please and she insists on getting all your attention, especially if she is the one that pays all your bills. But i love her all the same. She helps me escape and keep my sanity in the midst of the disaster that has become my personal life.
As I have mentioned in passing before, the thing about a blog like mine is finding a balance on how much of my personal life I should reveal. How much is too much? For example, many of my co-workers, some of whom are my friends, know about who owns this blog, so I may write something and the next day they may go 'damn dude, we didn't know you went through that' or "dude, you sounded hurt". So the loss in total anonymity adds more limits/restraints on the how much is too much to reveal issue. Personally I don't really have qualms about revealing details of my life, but I have to respect the privacy of the people I write about whether we're on good terms or bad, plus I hate discussing something I've written. The reason I wrote about it and not talk is because I don't want to talk about it. Revealing names is a no-no, unless I'm talking about public figures, and I always make sure to avoid unnecessary extra information that doesn't really lend weight to the topic at hand; social media etiquette so to speak.
To say the truth, writing and swimming are the only truly complete doors to my soul. There are things you will read on my blog that i would never reveal in person, no matter how emotional or drunk; I'm stunted like that when it comes to interpersonal relationships with other human beings. And I'll hate you if you insist on trying to get it out of me! That is why given the choice, I would desperately cling to the veil of anonymity offered online. There is the option to write and not publish, therefore stay completely invisible, but then again, what is the use of writing if you can't share it with the world? Through it we can strike a chord and see eye to eye better since I'm letting you more into my life through a couple minutes of reading, what would have taken us years through normal interaction. Maybe by chance I hit on a topic that applies to you so well, you realize you're not completely alone in this cold unwelcoming world. That makes writing, and in extension blogging, worthwhile.
One of the more common setbacks I face would be finding a topic to write about. I write for pleasure, and for other reasons I've already presented. Unlike career bloggers, who earn from their writing, hence have to take advantage of search engine optimization, and jump on every topic currently trending to make hits, I write because above all I love it. I don't have to meet a monthly/daily quota and really don't give a shit about how my blog is indexed on google, or the number of ad impressions it makes (btw i think that part is broken, haven't made a dime in ages). But I still have to make sure the grammar is proper, the typos stay to a minimum, except where i choose to use slang, curse only when necessary and try to keep the English as basic as possible. I'm beyond trying to impress anybody with vocabulary. I got a ton i could throw at readers but really it would just give the blog a pretentious feel to it.
So readers, i have let you a little bit more into the mind of the author, now you know why he writes.
Shallom my friends.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Things diatribe, and why women cheat

It has been quite a couple of weeks for me. Emotionally trying, to say the least. My last entry and a couple of facebook updates may have come out hateful and biased against women but I've realized i gotta clear the air.

I love women, they have soft boobies and some of them have working brain cells. Ok, i kid. To say the truth I love and respect women. My mom is a lady and i love her. My sister is also female (like duh) and i love her to bits. Some of the things many of you have to go through is hard enough to comprehend as a guy and i respect their(your) resilience. We live in a patriarchal society and i believe women are short changed and deserve more than they get.

Whenever I see a man batter a woman i get incensed, to say the least, and i believe women batterers deserve hard labor and to be punished to the fullest extent of the law. True, women also beat men, but i think the reason those stories are more prevalent is the sensationalist nature of a guy actually getting beat up by a woman. Which adds on to the admirable strength of a woman, to be able to calmly take all the blows and not say a thing, admirable but in no way ok.

That put to rest, I’ll cover the diatribe evident in my previous post. This time a post written calmly and without bias.

Interpersonal relationships form the pillar of our human society. The human as a species' quality of life is determined by the value of the relationships between individual units, the people, and also with the environment, but that is beyond the scope of this entry. In within the different social interactions we have romantic relationships.

A romantic relationship is the pillar of a couple. This means when two people decide to be a couple they admit they're emotionally tied to one another. No relationship can work without at least a lot of liking, and in some love eventually develops. A relationship works like a set of cogs. For it to run smoothly the gears need constant oiling(on a side note: they found oil in Turkana, yaay Kenya, true story!) lest they become rusty. To say the least there is a high level of trust the parties to a relationship attach to one another because of the emotional endearment. To continue with the gears and cogs metaphor, oiling a relationship includes spending time together, sharing how your day went, telling each other sweet nothings etc.

Cheating ruins relationships and destroys trust. It is a generally accepted fact that men are the most likely to cheat in a relationship. There's a saying that states a man is only as faithful as his options. What does this mean? It means that the more women around that are sexually receptive to him, that's how faithful a man will be. My girlfriend (ex) used to tell me that cheating does not necessarily involve sleeping with somebody else. It could also mean sharing emotional experiences, which are supposed to be directed at your partner, with somebody else. This is why it becomes difficult to have a best friend of the other gender who is not your partner, since it eventually becomes difficult to distinguish the feelings for your best friend with those for your partner. That's why it's easier for single people of different genders to be best friends, but becomes hard when one or both are in pre-existing relationships.

From my personal experience when i got into a relationship i reduced the intensity of friendliness with my female friends. (According to one of my friends, that is wrong. But that is a story for later). Male-male friendships rarely threaten a relationship. Anyway, i reduced the intensity of my interaction with female friends, some understood, others disappeared altogether, but i was doing it to give my girlfriend the peace of mind that I’m unlikely to stray from her no matter the temptation. The hardest thing to give up was my best friend (female) of years and i made my girlfriend my best friend. Things were initially hard especially with my mood swings, since i had untreated bipolar but she stuck through, till i got medicated and I had to give up the elevated emotions for good. Elevated emotions are AWESOME by the way, most people (me included) only seek treatment when the depressions become overwhelming.

Anyway, where was i, yeah cheating. Men cheat, a lot, as I've witnessed, but the reasons they do so are covered in that article i wrote last year so no need to repeat. But reason or not, it's never ok to cheat on your better half, no matter how badly they piss you off. If a relationship is on its death bed you can both agree to start seeing other people, and maybe after some time you can revert to the friendship you had before you decided to get involved. 

Anger is never a reason to cheat. I admit i was pissed off at my girl several times, sometimes really super pissed, but if there's one thing my momma  and shrink taught me is to never make a decision when I’m angry. My shrink was categorical, since I’m a writer, i should stop lashing out at people immediately (i used to do that a lot before the meds, therapy and mind tricks started to do their thing), i should type out why I’m angry and what i want to do and when i cooled down enough, read it and see the damage i would have done had i reacted angrily immediately. And it worked, the relationship lasted for more than a year and i didn't fuck up with my job(my current boss is not as understanding as my last one). Ok, i admit the previous article was done in a fit of anger, but as a rule i never take down something I've published.

The thing most women don't realize is there are a few of us out there, men who would do anything and stand by their women. The reason i don't hit you isn't because i don't have the strength to do so, it's because i respect women and think there's something ugly about a submissive woman. The reason i (we) don't cheat on you is because we choose to give you the security to know there is someone to safeguard your emotions. There are literally tens of women on social networks willing to give it up for nothing! When a man tells you he loves you, and to extend it letting his friends know you're "The One", it takes nothing short of guts! So women remember, when a guy does things for you, a lot of things and never complains, it isn't because he's a wimp, it's just that you're his world.

Anyway, why do women cheat? Women may cheat when they are disgruntled and want nothing to do with the relationship they're currently in, but don't have the guts to admit it to their partner. Or maybe they are disgruntled but are so used to the security of tenure in the relationship so that they don't want to risk it out on their own by calling it quits. 

Women also cheat when they suspect or know they're being cheated on. I don't have to mention the health risks involved in cheating. So instead of confronting the guy they decide to do it themselves to even out the score. As long as you are in a relationship it doesn't matter whether the other person is doing it, it's still cheating. And you're really a fucked up couple and probably need to have a shrink check out what the fuck is going on in your tiny tiny minds.

Another reason women cheat is if they are emotionally or physically attracted to somebody else. It is understandable to be attracted to somebody who seems better off than your partner. We are attracted to other people all the time, but it's called "commitment" for a reason. You chose the person you're with, but if that isn't enough you always have the option of leaving your partner amicably and you can pursue the higher interests. Something people don't realize is sometimes heartbreak can be avoided if you resolve your issues in a straight forward manner.

Women also cheat to spite their partner. This is kinda rare, so I’m led to believe. But a characteristic hard to avoid is that the woman tells the partner immediately after the deed to make the partner feel the pain. Like i said before, this is really stupid. After you've cheated this way, what next? A more than likely scenario is you regret it, since it was probably done in a fit of anger. As a result you lose out on what would have probably been a lifelong partnership.

A woman may also cheat because she wants to advance in life. Assume for a second, that this couple has financial problems and maybe the woman wants to get up through the stages in life quickly or get a job. I admit, we all know a lot of women who've advanced through life by "assuming the position". So she sets her eyes on somebody who offers her what she wants and goes for it. Even if she does it once, she will forever, in the eyes of her man, be no different than a slut. Only difference is she pretends to have class. Whether it's worth it in the long run or not is up to debate. But you should realize, the guy you slept with to advance your position now owns you! I'm sure you allude yourself that you've attained the independence you wanted, but you are no different than a sex slave. Anytime master wants sex, you have to give it to him else you'll find yourself back where you started. I guess it's a no-brainer which one is better, work towards your goal slowly but surely and be in charge of your fate, or skip stages and always live in the perpetual fear "master" will find a younger better looking slave and leave you out on the street on stage 1. But i guess it all depends on our individual definition of "independence".

Another reason women cheat is, the sex sucks. Ok, i didn't mention this one on the why men cheat entry, but it applies for both. When the partners aren't compatible sexually but get really well emotionally, chances are one of you will stray. Most likely the partner that knows they've had it better or can have it better. Still, as i will keep insisting you have the option to call it quits and SHOULD always use it. 

If you're going to cheat, please make sure you're able to handle the consequences which more or less results in the loss of the relationship. Friendship is rarely retrievable in such circumstances. Anyway you had the option of breaking up amicably and you chose not to use it.

I believe I've absolved myself of the bias that may have seemed to be directed at womenfolk in general. Ladies, believe me. the only reason most people do a 9-5 is to have enough to please you and make you happy. Whether the ulterior motive is to have sex with as many women as possible, or to be able to have enough to please their partners, or attract a new partner, the world runs because of women. And i appreciate that. Now i'll finish with a quote from Quagmire on family guy(surprising it's him huh?):

A woman is a strong beautiful vibrant creature; a woman embraces life; a woman makes choices to make her life better
And with that i go back to my secluded little world of binary poetry.

Keep well my friends

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Of things cheating and others emotions

This week i found myself in unfamiliar territory. You know, the type of stimuli you get exposed to for the first time in your life.
I know my friends may be surprised at how well I'm taking it; hell, even i am surprised at me. Had it been in 2009 or 2010 I'd be a series of frayed nerves and on the verge of emotional breakdown. But it's 2012 and I'm a rock!

So, why am i still cheerful despite having gone through what should be a gut wrenching experience, a horrible breakup? I mean, i just broke up with my best-friend of many many many years, my confidante, and in gay terms - the love of my life! Maybe the experience was so shocking my systems shut down and rebooted on reserve energy where emotions don't exist. So many maybes. Maybe I'm still in denial (but i know I'm least i don't think i am). Some part of me still cares, my inner child is probably pining for her, but the rest of me - pardon my french - just doesn't give a fuck!

When Ben loves, he doesn't do it half way, when Ben cares he doesn't do it in small doses, when Ben gives he doesn't do it in potions. He loves with his whole heart, he gives with his whole being. Loving with his whole being is the only thing he can give and the world can't take that away from whom he gives it to.
He doesn't just give it to just anyone, hell, he waited his whole life to give it to that special somebody and she blew it.

As the walls build up and get fortified, he realizes it's gonna be a while before somebody else ever manages to scale them successfully. You see, normal Ben doesn't just love anybody, he doesn't just miss anybody. When Ben says he misses you, you better damned believe it he misses you. When he says he loves you, well bring out the band and give the 21 gun salute for you are part of the less than a handful! Ben's love is not a diamond in the rough, it's a fucking living planet in the emptiness of the cosmos...i.e hard to find...for the slow ones! Hell, he doesn't like human beings that much!

Anyway enough of the third person speak, i relate better to my life if i look at it from a 3rd person perspective. But my biggest suspicion over why I'm not emotionally responding appropriately is my medication. Bipolar meds are built to control moods, and moods determine emotions. I'm thinking i stop taking them for a day or two to mourn, but nah. Moving on swiftly...

Cheating is the number one relationship breaker, so I'm led to believe, in the world. In my books cheating is the worst thing you could ever do to your other half(short of murder) and there is no coming back from that. I have written an article on why men cheat, so that base is covered, but why do women cheat?

From experience, women cheat for one or more of the following reasons:
a) she intentionally wants to hurt you
b) she's emotionally/sexually attracted to somebody else
c) she got drunk
d) financial reasons

I would really love to go through them point by point, but really, there is no fucking excuse to cheat! Fuuuuck, just dump somebody! Save them the pain of being cheated on!

Only a stupid woman would cheat to hurt a guy! Do you realize a guy can go loco and fucking kill you and the ass wipe you're cheating on him with? I mean why not just end it? I'm not the violent type but we see it all the time on the news. If a relationship has reached that plateau point why not fucking end it?  Isn't that why cave people invented the classic "it's not you, it's me" line?
I know it's the emotions finally breaking through, but if you dumped me because you met somebody better(ha, as if) I'd understand, it was probably not meant to be.
If you cheat on me because you got drunk and one thing led to another, I'd understand, sure I'll dump your cheap ass immediately but I'd understand. Drunk girls do the most stupid of things, we all know that, we've all been on the wrong end of a tequila overdose. But if you do it just to hurt me, what do you gain? The sex probably sucks but that is beside the point. You fuck somebody you don't care about, somebody you wouldn't have given the time or day just to prove a point?

Moving on, women also cheat for financial reasons too. Assume you are a couple and between you the money doesn't seem enough. In comes this guy, a guy your woman would never give it up to under normal circumstances, but he is rich, he dangles a carrot and promises her a job if she gives it up to him, kuonja tu. And here I'm talking to the girls, y'all are just stupid! You know that? STUPID! With a capital S.T.U.P.I.D! Everyone knows those jobs never work out but you are so stupid as to leave or cheat on somebody you love, somebody with promise and would give the world just for you, based on some stupid promise!

Jeez for Christ's sake, what the FUCK is going through your minds? Pussy is just pussy where no emotion is involved! And take my word for it, from a guy, it's the cunt count that matters in such circumstances! All we want is the bragging rights. When a guy loves you, he doesn't do it because you're the only one who will give it up to him, he does it because you're all that matters! So next time you're walking around feeling sweet like you got a golden hymen, remember, you are not that special!!

I'll stray a bit. For a young couple with no kids, financial constraints are at most(should be) just a stumbling block. You always have the option of moving in together to save on rent and other expenses. But remember you have a lifetime ahead of you to build on the financial bit. Nothing ever comes easy for most people, if you want to live the fast life you have to work towards it, don't take any shortcuts. Shortcuts only lead to disaster and in many cases jail time.

I have never understood why most people assume that one day you will wake up and everything will be sorted out. The journey to the top takes blood, sweat and tears. But really that is a concept many women will never understand. They are pretty much happy to be the trophy girlfriend or clande, not realizing thousands of girls are hitting 18 everyday, and their nectar is much fresher and innocent and their boobs perkier than your wrinkly ass, so you will get replaced sooner than you think, and what will you do then? Try to rebuild the bridges you burnt?

People, this world we live in, is a mean motherfucker! It will eat you up and spit you if you're not careful. Be careful the toes you step on, they might be attached to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.
I believe I covered this in the why men cheat article but women, you are responsible for the monsters men become! Men are emotional beings too, very emotional, but destroy that part and you and your gender become just life support for pussy and adding notches to the bedpost. So beware lest your stupidity becomes the undoing of your gender.

There is never an excuse for cheating whether a dude or a chick. Remember, you always have the option of breaking up first if you feel the need to have sex with other people. Don't create a monster. Don't destroy another human emotionally...some things can't be fixed, especially not with an 'i'm sorry'!

And at that, I'll go back to my happy little world of binary poetry.
Keep well my friends

Friday, March 2, 2012

You've got to learn to wait

This should fall under the write thinking category or matatu ride one, but i lose track sometimes. This was a story as it was narrated by one of the passengers in the matatu i was in, but i'll do it as a first person narration; since i realized it will/might make more sense that way.
Disclaimer: The entire narrative was in Swahili so some details are lost in translation. Plus it was a conversation
 Here goes... Psst...names have been changed by the way...ok, now here goes for real....

 Eric became MP in 1997 and was subsequently made a minister in the Moi government. As you all know being an MP at that time came with a lot of perks. He was in charge of roads and development. Nowadays Eric drives an old Mitsubishi Lancer and sells water to residents in his area for 3 shillings. What's worse, he can't afford to hire somebody to do it for him, so he does the selling personally. His wife works at a certain TSC branch in Nairobi, so the family is not that well off.
So what happened? In 2002 Eric, like many other MPs from the Moi government(Not many enough - Ed), lost his seat and that is where his problems began. You see, Eric never brought any significant development to his constituency. When electricity was brought in, it was because he had to get it to his house, and that was as far as that project went. When he dug a bore-hole, it was in his compound - which is where he gets the water he is selling to the residents.
As you can tell, Eric's problems stem from the fact that people's curses have weight. When he was in the ministerial position he lived like there's no tomorrow and therefore never saved anything. On the up side Eric has connections with the police and administration police(AP) and he is able to get people into the force. He used this strategy to help him garner votes for the 2002 election...though it didn't go that well for him because he got 26...yes TWENY SIX votes in the 2002 elections IN THE WHOLE CONSTITUENCY! Anyway, whaat he does is this, he takes note of the families that have relatives who need employment, and he takes his forms and goes to the family and get's the jobless "kids" employed. But as you noted before, that strategy didn't work(It sucked ass - ed).
One incident in particular messed it up for him, there is this family where the father has over 30kids, so he approached the with 3police forms and 4AP forms and signed up seven sons. In his strategy drawing board he figured that he'd he would get at least 50 votes from that household alone. The flaw in the logic stemmed from the fact that other residents saw it as favoritism; how could one household get so many entries while the rest of the community was languishing in poverty and joblessness.
Anyway, I had finished campus, doing a course in electrical engineering, and needed a job. So i approached him for a job and he gave me forms for joining the police force! Me! A university graduate becoming a lowly police officer getting 11k a month, GROSS(grooss, i.e., net + deductions - ed)! I turned down the offer since i would rather stay at home unemployed than waste my degree with the police. I mean, he could have offered to get me in the army or something!
My friend, John, from campus, who did mechanical engineering, took up his offer and joined the police force. As for me, I eventually got a good job in the aviation industry, but my friend...not so cool. John had been in the force for a bit when he got frustrated. One day he was walking along Jogoo road, and he tried to stop some cars(didn't think to ask why he tried to stop the car- ed). None stopped, so he got pissed off, took his gun off safe, switched it to rapid fire and opened fire on the vehicles.
You see, he was frustrated why he had a degree in mechanical engineering and had to work his ass off carrying a freaking G3 rifle with all its heaviness and risk his life everyday for peanuts. His fellow police officers had to wait for the bullets to run out before restraining him because there was a big risk of him killing them had they attempted to calm him while his gun still had ammo.
Fortunately nobody had been hurt during the rant, just damaged vehicles. After he had been restrained and arrested, John was put through a mental checkup and was put in Mathare hospital(an asylum/mental hospital in Nairobi). Upon further enquiry, I found out why John had become frustrated.

In Kiganjo(Police training academy) they don't allow calls to the cadets from outside. It so happened that John had been called for a job to head the department of a very large company in Eldoret. At the time he had been a cadet. The company tried to contact him in vain and even called his next of kin. But his father had informed the company that he(John) had gotten another job elsewhere and didn't need that one. After that the family had set aside the invitation letter and forgot the story. So john had found out way later from friends about it. He took leave from work and contacted the company but found out his position had been filled in long ago and there was nothing more they could do for him.
After that it was all downhill for him. John has several siblings all with degrees and very good jobs. They are based all around the world, USA, Australia etc and they called him from time to time to update him on their status, and here he was, a lowly police officer(just because it says lowly shouldn't imply they are, they're why you sleep soundly at night, they are poorly paid though :-( - ed). So he thought himself as the black sheep of his family, this coupled with the success of his siblings and his own lost opportunities really frustrated him. The second time he flipped and was admitted into the asylum again i was called in as his friend, together with his father.
As it turned out, John had grown up in affluence, he'd never known poverty and his father was pretty well off. In the meeting it emanated that the main reason John was frustrated was because he wasn't doing what he loved. The senior police were actually surprised when they learned of John's qualifications and it was agreed that they should transfer him to a department where he didn't really have to interact with people and and also find him something where he'd get the chance to use his academic qualifications.
He was transferred to the department of motor vehicles and he was put in as a supervisor. After that John's mental health improved and he seemed to love what he was doing. After he started slowly going up the ranks and today John is a senior in the department of motor vehicles for the police and rakes in quite a lot of money, a far cry from his first years in the force. [end of story]

What does John's story teach us? It teaches us that in life we have opportunities available, but we have to be patient and smart. John, in this story, is an exception in that he ended up in the place that best suited him. Most people rarely get that second chance. So people, we have to be careful in the decisions we make. It is really important that we follow our hearts. Desperation most of the time does not end well. If you jump without thinking you are almost always bound to hurt yourself.

[ed note]
The first half of the story was written almost immediately after the narration by a stranger on a matatu. The second half was finished about 2or 3 months later so there some discrepancies in the narration due to some bits of the story getting forgotten, and it has been greatly shortened, but the moral still stands, you've got to learn to wait. The road may be hard and bumpy at first but stick to your guns, follow what you want and eventually you will achieve it.

Keep well mes amies.