Yeah, Ben jinxed himself... Should have shut my mouth and continued to ride the wave of ecstasy that had become my "new" life.
Yeah, life sucks sometimes, large donkey balls. Sometimes I look at old people and wonder, is this what you went through? Over and over in never ending cycles, the ups and downs. How do they mange that? I'm not even 30 and I'm getting pretty tired of it. And no, it's not the depression talking.
Throughout the years I was suffering from clinical depression something kept me going, hope. I had the hope that one day my thoughts would stop being a source of endless torture and pain, for me and the people I love it affected. I had the hopes that I would regain a connection with reality and my memories would stop feeling like they were the experiences of somebody else. I wanted to stop going through the motions and live again like I used to. And finally i got what I wanted...at least most of it..
I'm happy, and not a day goes by that I'm not thankful that I'm able to associate with my memories again, that I can look at my family and not feel like they're strangers to me who know and love the person whose body I was thrust into. I'm happy I no longer look at my body as a husk that links me with life. I'm glad that when I say "I love you" I mean it and it doesn't come from the world in which I mused or imagined what feelings are like. From the cogito ergo sum perspective, I am complete again. The moods I can handle better this time around...I hope. The friends I'd left those many years ago are still there, still my friends, just waiting for me to reach out.
That said, reality on everything else is somewhat different and my outlook is kinda jaded. Career. Am I happy with my job? Off the cuff, yes! I do love code and the endless possibilities it provides! But I am restless, very restless. The end, intended, which was healing mentally, was achieved and a little voice is urging me to move on. I never thought being appreciated when it comes to work mattered to me. For a long time I didn't care, but now I do. To add to that, I miss the feeling of the sun on my skin...and water over my skin...swimming. I also feel like I'm doing the earth an injustice by involving myself in a job where I don't influence any life but my own. Bear with me as I explain.
Growing up, I always wanted to make an impact on people's lives. I wanted to be the Mahatma Gandhi of my generation(minus the paedophilia skeletons). As a child the idea was achievable by being a doctor or a surgeon, but as I grew I realized the sight of blood makes me sick...and seeing human suffering at such a close angle would in fact make me zone out of my feelings which would beat the purpose of impacting people's lives positively since all I would be doing would be going through the motions. Negativity burns brighter for me than the positive...i.e it takes longer to fix myself than to make myself. Presently I feel like I'm not helping anybody with my work, true that beautiful websites are a work of art and the look of delight on my clients when I hand over a site does give me a push to continue developing, but nowadays it doesn't feel like it's enough...for me i.e. Is that what I wanna do for the rest of my life?
I'll go back to something I mentioned earlier, observing people at different stages of life. Why is everybody lost? I'm lost because I feel poor financially, but I don't understand why people who've achieved success(financially) are also lost... I really don't get it because my idea of not being lost is achieving financial security. Are we as human beings eternally locked in this cycle where our only goal in life is to get married and have money, then when you achieve it you still feel lost...
Business taught me, you can never have enough money, religious studies taught me money is bad...rather the greed for it is bad, society taught me money is everything, the media taught society that fame and money is everything, and environmentalism told me there are more than enough resources on earth for everybody if only human beings embraced their individuality and realized we don't need the same things...and stop wasting and destroying our home. I lean towards the latter most because that is the logic that makes most sense to me. Look at it this way, most of the time many people work to give their offspring a better life, the whole leaving a legacy thing I was talking about in this article. But what are we really leaving for our children if our idea of success and giving them a carefree life destroys their ability to enjoy it in the long run? A polluted inhospitable environment is not exactly what I envision for my kids. (I feel like this area I've moved into should be a separate article more focused on that topic... It will be)
I feel lost because I'm trying to embrace what society has conditioned into me. I'm not a rebel, I don't want to cause a revolution and change society's views, I just want to achieve inner peace and explore being me and being with those I love. I already accepted my mortality a long time ago; whether I die tomorrow or 100 years from now it's ok with me. If God is waiting for me on the other side, I'm cool with that... If it all ends when I die and nothing after that, it would be such a waste of all the experiences I've accumulated in the 'few' years I lived, but still ok with me. It feels like a waste because I want to remember and be with the people I love forever...
I love my job... I think I love my job. Maybe that should have been the title of this post...or maybe "I think I love life but I'm lost". Money is necessary for survival in our current society, and I wouldn't mind the chance of having lots of it, but I think I'd use it differently, not gorging myself. I'd travel, enjoy cultures that haven't been stained by our materialism and hope I don't leave my "stank" on them. That said, obviously my idea of life isn't discarding everything society has taught me, this same society gave me family, love and health, and my loyalty lies most to ensuring we continue to survive as human beings indefinitely. But I can't change the world without changing myself. To change myself I have to sate my conscience and remove this sensation of being lost. And since I know i can't change my world I'll try to get those immediately around me to see the world as I see it...life is our only connection with our universe.
I don't hate my job, I love what I do, really, but... I need to feel the sun on my skin more frequently, I want to escape to the untouched environment more times. I need to feel like I'm living and doing something for the world and myself...I need that warm fuzzy feeling inside because without it I'll always feel lost and if I get lost for too long I'm afraid the fire inside me will die again...this time maybe permanently....
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