Friday, July 5, 2013

Careful Ben, don't jinx yourself

For the longest time this blog was me musing about what I thought/imagined of love, friendships, death God, depression, and the bipolar. A few months ago the depression just vanished. Not a recession like previous times, or an ominous dark cloud always hanging over my psyche waiting to pounce when I least expect it, nah, it's gone.

With it went the neurotic nature, and my memories and personality got a reboot and reverted to the pre-depressive state. "Good news everyone!" Right? A big hell yes and a small no....
The yes is for so many things, full control over my mind, I'm happy again, the love for life is back and all inhibitions are gone! And that is all that matters! The appreciation for life!

The downside is for some reason I'm always too busy to do what I love a lot of the time. To gain control back over my mind I had to cut down impulsiveness and keep my mind really busy away from emotions and other distractions. I stopped writing, no poetry for almost two(?) years, no creative writing. Still haven't recovered the flare for those yet. I have months cut out to recondition my body and discipline it again, reflexes that need to be conditioned back or overridden.

Analogy time; in the temple that is my body, mind and soul, I spent over 2 years trashing everything I'd collected over the years and misplacing them, and introducing junk I don't really need. Now that I got the control room cleaned up nicely with a few knobs to be polished and a few bits of furniture to replace, I have to throw out most things I collected in those two years as i restore the rest to their respective places. Simple reason being, they were collected by a different person that is now dead. Somebody i no longer acknowledge.

Anyway, I plan to publish all posts in the drafts that I removed from the web because of the content, like The Razor. Wrote this one sometime in 2010, not sure the month but I was in a really really dark place at the time, the worst depth of depression where a semblance of control could only be achieved by transferring my thoughts to words. There are about 50 posts in my draft that need to be vetted before publishing. Some I'm not sure will ever be finished but I'll publish nevertheless.

The contents in future posts will continue to be my thoughts in my "new" life and maybe I'll try my hand at poetry and creative writing again, but the personal details will be a bit more obscure as the web has become more hostile over the past two years with anonymous blogs purely intended at malice coming up. Guess if I can spare a few fucks about such bloggers I'll pen a few words describing the bitter taste they leave in my mouth.

So, that's pretty much it! Needed to break the silence after months of not writing anything here. The writing flow is among the things I'm working on recovering, don't fret. Keep it here on my yen where i try to keep it real, even when I'm dreaming [you sound like a broken TV station - Editor].

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