Monday, July 8, 2013

Journey through the artistic mind, not autistic

A long time ago I gave up trying to understand my mind. I just appreciate that it's mine again. I stopped being completely detached and always looking at my life from a third person perspective(which fyi, is HELL!!). I still believe in God and each day I thank him for it because it is my only asset. That's why my greatest fear is losing it. Anyway, strangers, I decided to take you on a tour through the areas of it I understand, the rest you can deduce by going through past and future posts.

The basic wiring
Original Location

My mind was built in binary, not binary in the computing sense of the word i.e. zeroes and ones, no, binary in the astronomical sense...think binary stars or even better, the yin and yang. It functions better in the extremes, but then again so does everybody, right? So when it comes to emotions, I'll tend to either be extremely emotional, or very cold and the middle area between those is rarely seen. Even my arrangement of things in the house seems very cluttered, with nothing where it should be(but very clean), but on the other side my codes are really organized to the point of obsession; even a brace that is indented wrong in a file with hundreds of lines of other well organized code will drive me crazy and I'll notice immediately. So you get the gist of that bit. So when i was diagnosed with bipolar it made a lot of sense in explaining my moods.

I've always been a child of the wild, then again I'm also a willing prisoner in the concrete jungle. The city thrills me; all the noise, the infinite variety of people and personalities, the organized chaos. The whole artificial nature of everything in a city is intriguing. And the strange mix of bad intentions and virtuous traits. On the other side I love the countryside! The more isolated, wild and hostile the better. I love nature even with all it's hostility and secretly wish someday we'd go back to that.

Thought Process

Since I was old enough to have a functioning hippocampus my thoughts were visual and all the subtitles in English. Those are the two ways I can best express myself because of the infinite availability of English words and pictures. Oddly enough for communication among loved ones and friends it's always constrained to swahili, but in a formal environment or when i really need to lie my way out of something, I regain access to the english  - verbalizer bridge, then again, who am i to question the wiring if i can't change it? Same thing applies to the images in my head! They are usually very vivid, colour and all but when I pick up a pencil to transfer it to paper the motions of the hand refuse. But when doing it from observation the result is a very accurate depiction of whatever I'm looking at.
Drawn from observation...I think. Can't remember, drew it in 2004
The same doesn't apply for writing! Writing is the only time I have my mind in its entirety! There are no language limitations, I can switch between English, Swahili, Kikuyu, French, Spanish easily, no holds barred, depending on the vocabulary available, which is the whole dictionary for the first one!  Writing really is my first love! [holy horseshit, Batman! A whole paragraph with exclamation marks for punctuation! Bravo! Now you've got me doing it too! - Editor]
My hand, definitely from observation, the outline i.e The blood is just this mind's idea of Photoshop
There you have it! A brief description/explanation of how my mind works. Word of advice, use your Stephen Hawking inner voice to read this again. It's kinda funny, unless you're laughing at his disability, then it stops being funny.
There you have it. Into my mind, with Ben


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