Opening up

I love writing, and I love knowing people can see my posts and understand the stuff I go through that I can only express through writing.

This blog was one of my outlets over the five years that I had clinical depression, when I was suffering and unashamed about who saw it. An incident a few months back made me rethink the idea of having a blog where my identity is known.

It wasn't anything serious or bad, but one of my co workers got one of those notifications that Google in their infinite wisdom feel they have to ping people you know with, informing them that there is a post you put up that they may have missed. In her wisdom, my co worker read it aloud and everyone within earshot heard it and those stupid enough to comment, did.

It was a cringe-worthy incident for me, and I felt violated on so many levels. I was angry, I was confused, I was unable to lash out verbally because it stung and I was still shocked.

I write so that I don't have to talk about it. It is my belief that when you read something I've written, the unspoken agreement is that we then don't have to discuss it EVER, unless I bring it up in conversation. Writing allows me to communicate emotions I'm still unable to express verbally.

I still needed this blog because even though I am not depressed anymore, I still have a long way to go to be sure that it never happens again. I still have to deal with the five years I lost; and that in my mind I feel that I'm 5 years behind where I wanted my life to be, which amounts to being a failure, as far as I'm concerned. It is a weird feeling going from being years ahead of everybody, to waking up and finding that you're behind.

I am still mad that 6 years ago I had figured out what I wanted to do with my life and had begun on that path, then a disease came and spun me off course; and when I stopped spinning, the route had changed and I can't seem to be able to find it anymore, or at the speed I need to catch up to where I wanna be.

I am sad that I feel that I have to stop using this blog, because I know there are people my experiences in dealing with depression could have helped. I just have to find another way to get to them.

I am sad that, in failing to recognize certain boundaries, my friends have gone on paths that have alienated me from them, because some of the topics they choose to use against me - in jest or whatever 'humorous' context -  touch on insecurities I have been trying to deal with for a long time, and it it not in my nature to tell people they have gone too far, because I just stop caring.

So, I feel more alone than I ever have in a long time because I feel like I don't have anyone to turn to. And my last refuge, which was my blog, has become a weapon that can be used against me. As I seek new ways of venting, please bear with me.

I shall continue to post here from time to time (I hope). But I'm feeling more inclined to open an anonymous blog. I'm not sure how I'll publicize it because of the whole maintaining anonymity thing. But I want a blog people will read, and if they choose to pass judgement, at least I'll be out of range.

Homosexuality and being human

The purpose of having laws is to protect the people from others who may take advantage or abuse their rights as human beings. The law is not supposed to tell you how to live, and as long as your lifestyle does not take something from someone else, there is no need for a rule to dictate how you should live.

That said, the law is supposed to be adaptive so that as we evolve we repeal laws that weren't well thought out. It is ok to question the law if it is time barred and/or fails to protect us by being too restrictive because at the time it was enacted standards were different. Remember, slavery was legal in some countries once.

Once you learn a bit of theology, you realize most of the Bible aint all that, because we abuse it and interpret it to justify morals, a lot like the horoscope and how most people read it and say "omg, that is so me". The Bible is subject to the same abuse, this keeping in mind that many of the books in there were written over 3000 years ago!

Look at it this way, the morals and lifestyles that were the norm the 60s are outdated to us. The 60s are a mere 50 years back, yet we still cling to something written thousands of years ago, wherein we don't have the context that would help us align ourselves with the teachings and how they apply to us. Do you honestly believe that Adam and Eve existed 5000 years ago? Anyway it's not my work to debunk the Old Testament.

But lets go to the book that most people use to dispute homosexuality, Genesis; and the towns of Sodom and Gomorrah. Historically there is no evidence they ever existed. And when you continue to read the book, Lot's wife gets turned into a pillar of salt for looking back. What fair god is that that punishes you for looking back after hearing an explosion, but is quite ok when the same guy goes ahead and has sex with his daughters? What about that? You may argue that he was drunk, but as we all know "I was drunk" is not a really good excuse to justify incest. Or our moral compass says it's ok to have sex with your children, but it's wrong to have consensual sex with someone of the same gender?

Thank God the law isn't based on the bible because I love bacon.

Anyway, I used to be homophobic, but then I asked myself, why did I hate them? I'm not homosexual. Standing next to a homosexual never made me any less of a human being. I didn't start suffocating because they were inhaling the same air I was. I didn't become a homosexual because I was in the same space as them. I didn't feel like they were trying to have sex with me or 'convert' me. My money was still intact afterwards, and not once did I feel threatened.

So for all intents and purposes they didn't in fact affect me anymore than standing with another heterosexual would have. Which would allow me me to conclude homosexual doesn't ooze out and isn't airborne. I actually learned that they were homosexual way later upon hearing who they were dating, and even then, nothing extraordinary happened. So why was I so scared of them to the point of hating them? Simple, I didn't know what homosexuality was. But you see, I don't need to understand why someone is homosexual any more than I need to understand why I am heterosexual. Unless for statistical or scientific purposes. You just need to accept that that is who they are sexually, and as long as you aren't the one having sex with them, it's none of your business and should never come up as a factor when looking at them as people.

Which takes us back to the law. The law makes it illegal to be a homosexual yet a homosexual is just another human being just looking to find happiness and purpose in life. So why is it illegal? We can't all be monochrome templates of each other, we don't have the same preferences and we'll never be the same. We value our uniqueness so much then when we come across something we don't understand we let unjustified fears cloud our minds and allow it to form into hatred. It's not right.

You can't turn into a homosexual by allowing homosexuals to explore their sexuality. Your kids won't turn into homosexuals because homosexuality is not illegal. But a larger group of people will be happier. Isn't that the point of life anyway? To be happy and not have to hide that you're happy? If someones happiness is with someone of the same gender why deny them? It's not like we're legalizing having sex in the street in open daylight. That would be immoral and messed up regardless of sexuality. Sex happens between consenting adults in the privacy of enclosed spaces.

So I'll ask, "Pilipili usioila yakuwasha nini?"

There is a probability someone you know is gay but can't find happiness or explore that part of themselves because they know your stand and can't understand the origin of your hatred. Don't be that person. Some things you can't choose any more than you can choose your skin colour, or parents. But you can choose to be tolerant and understanding. That is what makes you human. That is what makes us all human, to be able to acknowledge our differences and be ok with that.

A shitty existence

Has anyone ever noticed that the people with the most mental health issues are usually the ones who are extremely smart? Think Einstein, John Nash and the countless others out there. I consider myself smart, but most likely not at the level of the geniuses I've mentioned.

What would make a person, that to an outsider, has it all; intelligence and a good lifestyle. Why are they more likely to flip out than the rest of the populace?

Me thinks that at some level, their subconscious is tuned in to the world more keenly, and concludes that it is screwed up big time. Look around everywhere. It's mostly the selfish assholes that become wealthy and they become wealthy because that inbuilt moral compass that would direct their attention to the suffering of others is turned off.

That part of being human that tells you that it's not fair to live in excess while others die of hunger, seems to be turned off. Where your dogs are better fed than more that 60% of the world's population. Where is the fairness, and why do people so blatantly exploit each other?

Look at the earth, it's the only planet that for hundreds of light years around  that can sustain life. What are we doing? Using up it's resources like there will be no future generations that will need these  resources in order to survive. We know we're destroying it but can't give even the slightest hint

The same thing that allowed mankind to become the dominant being on earth is the same one that'll lead to his destruction. God really has a funny sense of humour. Give them brains, build in a self destruct mechanism.

Maybe that's why we've never encountered any other form of intelligent life. Maybe all life has a self destruct sequence built in their genes that upon reaching a certain stage of evolution, activates and they destroy themselves. It's probably a vicious cycle that has manifested itself for eons meaning that no form of life will ever go beyond interstellar travel within their local solar system.

I know it eats at me constantly. Why are we like this. Why do I sometimes show that type of aggressive competitiveness? Why am I also conditioned to want a life that will ultimately lead to exploiting others? As an environmentalist I understand that, used well, the resources are more than enough for all of us and reverse whatever damage has been done so far. But where does the incessant need to feel better than others come from? That need that justifies us actively pulling the rugs from under each other in the hopes that the pedestals we put ourselves on will be a couple inches higher than the ones the others have placed themselves on.

I don't understand. Life is constantly throwing shit at us. We're knee deep in shit and more shit is coming our way but the person beside you will take a handful of shit and try to convince you how less smelly their shit is than yours. And you know, you are in the same friggin' river of shit. You try explain that there is no difference, but get told off, to go mind your own shit. Rather than clean up collectively and get rid of the shit once and for all, we're busy trying to convince others how much better our shit is. It's tragic story.

We compete at unnecessary and redundant levels. My God is better than your God, yet neither of us has ever encountered our Gods. I am happier than you; yet the things that (supposedly) make one happy are very relative and thus can't be comparatively quantified. You like gaming, I like traveling and swimming. You live for social interactions, I live for commuting with nature. We're so different, but we don't achieve high levels of happiness the same way.

Point is, the world is damaged. We're damaged. We damage each other in the process of trying to prove to the others that they're more damaged than us. Ultimately, we're all going to finish each other of.

What is the pride in being the last person standing in a race where everyone was intended to win?