Sunday, July 19, 2015

Opening up

I love writing, and I love knowing people can see my posts and understand the stuff I go through that I can only express through writing.

This blog was one of my outlets over the five years that I had clinical depression, when I was suffering and unashamed about who saw it. An incident a few months back made me rethink the idea of having a blog where my identity is known.

It wasn't anything serious or bad, but one of my co workers got one of those notifications that Google in their infinite wisdom feel they have to ping people you know with, informing them that there is a post you put up that they may have missed. In her wisdom, my co worker read it aloud and everyone within earshot heard it and those stupid enough to comment, did.

It was a cringe-worthy incident for me, and I felt violated on so many levels. I was angry, I was confused, I was unable to lash out verbally because it stung and I was still shocked.

I write so that I don't have to talk about it. It is my belief that when you read something I've written, the unspoken agreement is that we then don't have to discuss it EVER, unless I bring it up in conversation. Writing allows me to communicate emotions I'm still unable to express verbally.

I still needed this blog because even though I am not depressed anymore, I still have a long way to go to be sure that it never happens again. I still have to deal with the five years I lost; and that in my mind I feel that I'm 5 years behind where I wanted my life to be, which amounts to being a failure, as far as I'm concerned. It is a weird feeling going from being years ahead of everybody, to waking up and finding that you're behind.

I am still mad that 6 years ago I had figured out what I wanted to do with my life and had begun on that path, then a disease came and spun me off course; and when I stopped spinning, the route had changed and I can't seem to be able to find it anymore, or at the speed I need to catch up to where I wanna be.

I am sad that I feel that I have to stop using this blog, because I know there are people my experiences in dealing with depression could have helped. I just have to find another way to get to them.

I am sad that, in failing to recognize certain boundaries, my friends have gone on paths that have alienated me from them, because some of the topics they choose to use against me - in jest or whatever 'humorous' context -  touch on insecurities I have been trying to deal with for a long time, and it it not in my nature to tell people they have gone too far, because I just stop caring.

So, I feel more alone than I ever have in a long time because I feel like I don't have anyone to turn to. And my last refuge, which was my blog, has become a weapon that can be used against me. As I seek new ways of venting, please bear with me.

I shall continue to post here from time to time (I hope). But I'm feeling more inclined to open an anonymous blog. I'm not sure how I'll publicize it because of the whole maintaining anonymity thing. But I want a blog people will read, and if they choose to pass judgement, at least I'll be out of range.

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