Friday, December 24, 2010

9 crimes

After much soul searching i decided to name this post 9 Crimes. It's after a song by Damien Rice with the same title.
Unlike most of my recent posts this one won't go through the normal vetting that see's posts thoroughly edited or rewritten, many of them making it to the draft-never-to-be-published pile.
I'm writing on what seems to probably be the final curtain call on the most important relationship/bond i've ever had with another human being.
True friendship based on trust and mutual understanding is hard to come by, in my case it's happened once, and with the rarity of the occurrence comes the problem of identifying the cycle it's on. Is it dead, is it reborn stronger.
In a romantic relationship its always easy to identify when you are about to leave each other, and moving on is never such a big deal. It just a matter of gathering yourself up and going. Plutonic relationships on the other hand, you never know.
I guess my point is, at which point is it ok to let go in a plutonic relationship? When can you say you are officially no longer bestbuds and turn into strangers passing each other on the street? No more encouragement, consoling, or the now and then shake to snap out of wallowing in self pity.
The pain of losing a best friend can be equated to somebody close dying on you. It's actually the same thing, the same hole is left in your soul. The same mental torture of the 'what ifs'; what if we stuck a little bit longer and found a working solution. The questions are endless.
A bestfriend is all you have when you are stuck in the cold dark pit of your mind and tell people you want to be alone. He/she is the one who will come anyway and stay with you despite what you say. They will take on all the bullshit you throw their way when depressed, wipe your tears and remind you that you will get hurt and battered, but when you keep that hope alive, you will come across the few who make all that pain worth it.
As the game of passing each other the loaded gun continues, all we can hope for is realizing nobody has to fire it, it can always be dropped and things can be worked out.
One thing I’m learning is, there is a big difference between a romantic relationship and that platonic (mostly) relationship with your best friend. I’ll not generalize this since it was a unique experience, so will presume everyone has it differently.

Your best friend is your lifeline, I know mine was.

With an ex there is always a fallback position, friendship; that is where it all began anyway, or should have. This is why all exes who skip the friend bit end up bitter against each other. With the platonic thing a fallback is always a difficult thing to find because you are either friends or not, no safe fence position. Yeah, how does one go from being the most important element to your life to a nothing? How do you get to that line when nothing like a knife in the back is involved?

When you get dumped, or break up with someone there is usually the several months of wallowing and picking yourself up. And of course, the blues music to get you through the day. With a friend I never have any form of transition between the act that leads to the end of the friendship, you just nothing them like they never existed. Not with your best friend; you don’t wallow or have self-esteem (ego) issues. Remember this is the most important non family person in your life. You just don’t get rid of them.

With break ups there is always the broken heart. But broken hearts heal, empty souls can’t. The emptiness and dent in your soul is nothing anything can fix except the one who filled it and left. I would gladly pick a thousand heartbreaks over one empty soul. It’s more of numbness, it’s a part of you that dies and you walk around looking ok and acting normal, but you really aren’t. The sense of humor stays and the charm doesn’t go down. But nobody would know, the only one who’d notice it isn’t around anymore.

It’s a sad state of affairs, friendship going down the drain for no apparent reason. But friendships can’t be forced on so you just chill and let things go whichever way they choose.

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