Friday, October 29, 2010

Change and moving on; what to keep, what to discard

I'm not really that self centered. I love myself just about as much as everybody else loves themselves, except when i'm in the funk(new word i picked up to denote the bipolar depression phase). I just like to illustrate what i'm talking about using personal experiences.

We have all experienced major changes in our lives, we have moved residence, school and personality, relationship, and in all this moving we've had a change in environment, met new people and had self realization moments. In lieu of all this change how do you know what to keep and what to discard?
Last year i lost somebody i really liked, not lost like in they died or moved, but lost in detaching emotionally. We had known each other for years, longer than i've known most of my friends in campus. We had attained the type of closeness gossip media would refer as "cozy".
I guess i'd been so used to having her around i never imagined i could just break all connections with her. Then sometime in april she did what i like to call "mortal sin" -not the catholic one- and she was dead to me. In an unrelated event, back then, my bestfriend was still just a good friend, even though we had a strong connection i wasn't ready to explore it by then.
Complacency is always a stumbling block in moving on, because we are so used to it we ignore change yet the current conditions we live in are no longer useful and actually hinder our continuity and development.
I'm not saying that that friend was useless, i'm saying it had reached a point where i was there for her more than she was for me. I know critics will argue about the selfless nature of friendship and not expecting anything back. I say, there is something called leeching. I guess i don't see the point where i sustain your emotional wellbeing and all you give back is bitchiness arrogance and a whole load of bullshit. We mended fences and are still friends but she knows she's never going to have whatever she had then back because she fucked up and i moved on. I mention her because she was the primary reason i found out what my best friend is made of. Pity they've never met.

2010 has proved to be the fucked up of them all. This has been the year i was dumped, had to quit the job i'd had for over two years, became bankrupt, and lost friends i'd known for years.
Losing my gf was the single most painful thing i've experienced in my life. A part of me was taken out and killed in the worst most horrible way. For months i avoided friends and family because i'd been reduced to nothing. At work i was a zombie, i'd clock in as early as i could and leave as late as i could, so much so i never even realized a colleague took advantage and robbed me thousands till way later when nothing could be done to recover it. How did i move on?
Baby steps. I had to first get peace with myself and love myself, a process that took months since it triggered a sleeping demon in my mind called the funk. It was a process that forced me to make changes in my life, shift priorities and i made it out alive. Usage of the word stronger would be wrong. Something died, taking a chunk of my personality with it; a lot of the spontaneity, daring and flirty, but i lived. I have been in other mini relationships since then but my detachment is kind of high, an example of the wrong type of change, since i usually walk away without as much as a phonecall to say i'm leaving you. Its much easier for me to walk away now which is actually a double edge sword, on one hand i can't get hurt, on the other, maybe i'm missing out on something good.

I've lost friends too, in most cases it was just a case of betrayal, something i'd have reacted to in prior years by just taking out a large chunk of the trust but keep the friendship going. But stealing from me by taking advantage of me being dumped was low and not forgivable. I'm not mad, i just pity anyone who can do that, i could easily get even, but why bother?
Losing somebody i loved and many of my friends was rough, but it just showed how strong i could be. I'm still not totally recovered but i try to live each day positively and take the challenge to make new better friends. One thing i chose to keep is my best friend, i know i've mentioned her a lot, but that girl is full of surprises, the good kind. I'll always adjust my life to accommodate her.
As i try get back my charm, spontaneity and general good humour, i just pray to God i make the right kind of decisions, for in the way of new experiences lie many hurdles and beartraps, and as you make new friends you need an old friend you can trust to walk with you and share.

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