Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Esther Arunga mysteries

~What is it about this one that has my fantasies in overdrive? Is it the denial that the all so soft all so cute Esther is not such a holy holy after all? Or is it the death of the dream that I would be the one to ruin her life?
I have had fantasies about others…namely Alyssa Milano and that sweet thing Megan fox, who unlike Esther who farts designer perfume, farts sunshine. And why is the author so obsessed with what these hot girls fart? That’s a mystery for another day…ahem! ~

Previously on the Esther Arunga mysteries:
“I quit this stupid station, they don’t pay me enough”
“WHAT!!! But Esther, it’s your life you’re giving up, think of the children!”
“Damnit, it’s a TV station…Hellon’s finger beckons…frankly the ‘come-hither-motion’ brings me faster, if you know what I mean!…ta ta freaks!!”
Now the continuing saga:
Curious as to what was going on, I sought audience with Esther and Hellon to get to the root of this mystery. But I decided to wait it out until the bigwig media were done and out of earshot, before digging in.
ME: Hello Esther.
ESTHER: Ben, didn’t think you’d show your face here.
ME: Just heard about that Timberlake thing…is it true?
ESTHER: What do you think?
ME: What about us Esther? What about the night we had…(Hellon looks at her curiously)
ESTHER: *ahem* You stupid fag, not here! fyi I read that note bout me…you’re lucky I’m not suing you for 30 million. You promised!
ME: You also promised it would be only me and you baby! Now look! Besides, if I was a fag I’d be having this conversation with Hellon!
HELLON:(winks) You don’t say…
ME: Geez! You sick fuck! I always knew you were gay!
HELLLON: Wtf! I have a wife!!!!
ME: Good cover! Btw, that thing with the supernova and the palm…I’m curious.
ESTHER: Ask away!
ME: Is the supernova thing a reference to an exploding star or your coming… And the palm, are you pointing out how many fingers you can take in at once…coz if I remember right…last I checked it was only two!
HELLON: What is he talking about?
ESTHER: Nothing dear, he’s just a delusional groupie…you know how they are with their fantasies and celebs! Isn’t that right ben!
ME: (muttering to myself)*the nerve on this one*…you want me to say I’m delusional? Fuck, you’re more stupid that I’d estimated!
ESTHER: Me stupid? Who the hell do you think you are? Nothing smart has ever come out your lips, you know that…NOTHING! And the stuff you write…CRAP!!!
ME: You dumb bimbo!!! The smartest thing to come out of your mouth was my dick!!!
HELLON: he he he!
ESTHER: The fuck you laughing at? You’re supposed to be on my side! And you Ben, what do you want!
ME: I just want to know, who’s making you do this? It’s not like you!
ESTHER: What do you want me to say? I love him; he knows how to touch a woman!
ME: What are you implying? Besides, he’s in jail…it doesn’t even make sense. He’s most likely Onyi’s bitch by now… He’s more likely to hook up with Hellon now…
HELLON:(hissing) Dude…don’t even go there!
ME: Oops, sorry man….secret’s safe with me!
HELLON: Asshole!
ME: That’s not cool man…down boy…you know I’m straight!
HELLON :( Throws arms in gesture of giving up, and turns to Esther) Don’t know how you’re putting up with this guy!
ME: Are you doing an inside story?
At this point she grabs me and pulls me to the side out of Hellon’s earshot!
“Wtf Ben, I’m about to nail the biggest story of my career, please don’t ruin it for me, sawa? I’ll call you in the evening and explain everything!”
“Are you screwing Timberlake?”
“Like you said, the asshole is in jail, what do you think?”
“I’ll make it up to you, promise. But not now”
We walk back to the conference table where Hellon is looking at her curiously.
ESTHER: I’ve set him straight.
HELLON: Good, we need to come up with another party tune and I need you to practice it. That performance in front of the media was embarrassing and too painful to watch.
ME: You could say that again*snicker*
ESTHER: Fuck you ben!
ME: The mouth on this one! Anyhoo gotta go people…can’t say it was a pleasure!
HELLON: Good riddance…
ME: This coming from a Lumumba wanna-be!
ME: Nothing…nothing… Bye Esther!
ESTHER: Yeah, bye.
I left that interview feeling I knew better than most people. The media is just taking us for a ride with the whole fiasco. Maybe they are trying to distract us from something else. Derailment of the draft constitution maybe?
In the evening I waited until 10, and still she hadn’t called. I took my phone, flipped through the contacts and came to her name. I took a deep breath and hit the dial button…
“Mteja wa nambari uliopiga, hapatikani kwa sasa”
~the mystery continues~


  1. bwahahaha! Boy u crazy. I like this version more than the one on the news. hehe. Cant wait for the next installment.

  2. Thanks, still tryna kam up wit th plot line