Monday, June 16, 2014

Cogito Ergo Sum

Am I scared? Actually, no. A bit apprehensive, but nothing more than that.

I guess, I made peace with myself and I am aware of my mortality. Anyway, I'll get back to that later after I get something else off my chest.

Some doctors really annoy me, they do their best to fleece insurance companies through their patients. I guess for the most part they can get away with it, but for some people, myself included, this ends up hurting us too, not just the insurance company. I have known for a few weeks that the only solution to what I have is surgery, and the doctor I went to last week knew that also, so why did he waste my comfort, time, and money with stupid follow up consultations instead of just going ahead with the surgery and not waste the money on medicine that didn't do shit to ease the pain I am in constantly.
Last month it was the dentist. Barring the fact that nothing has been right with my body since the last time I was in hospital, the opportunism exhibited by these physicians is worrying and annoying! Let me give an example of the dentist hospital. When you're paying in cash a root canal procedure costs 9 thousand Ksh. When they discovered I had insurance the cost bloated to double that, and despite my insistence they never explained where the extra cost came from. See, even though it's the insurance that's paying, there's a limit, and I need my insurance intact because my need for bipolar medication and access to a psychiatrist is constant so when these fuckers in their pursuit for unfair profit do their thing, they end up messing me because at the end I have to pay from my pocket.

Anyway, I'm supposed to go in for minor surgery in the next day or so. Though it's called minor surgery, if there's anything I picked up from the Wahome Mutahi incident, it's that there is nothing like "minor surgery". As long as they have to put you under anaesthesia and cut into your body, there's nothing like minor surgery.

In preparation I've scheduled this entry to post 2 days after I'm expected to leave the hospital. If I don't stop it from posting before then, well, we'll be sure something unexpected happened. Also in preparation I've reset all my passwords to something generic that can be guessed by all who know me...just to keep things easy.

Back to Rene Descartes. Pain always serves to remind us that we're mortal beings and that our physical presence is temporary at most, until the time we learn to manipulate our conscience being into another form or find a way of making it persist indefinitely.

Ever wondered what happens to you after you die? What if our conscience doesn't mean anything, what if there is no 'after'? What if there is no God to receive your soul? What if the idea of having a soul is just a result of the behaviour/reward conditioning that led to humanity gaining morality? What if cogito ergo sum only applies to this mortal state? Would you be scared to die then? Would you take your life more seriously if you knew that when it ends that's it for you? Or would you be more callous, knowing there is no punishment or reward awaiting you when you die?

Is this all?

I guess for me all I ever needed was love. Love for me justifies all. As long as I loved in this existence and gave as much as I received I won't leave with any bitterness tormenting me. I'm not worried for me, I worry for those around me and especially those that love me. I know that whether there is an existence past this or not, I lived this one as true to myself as I grudges, nothing but the emotions that drove me to care which is all that life is about, right?

~ for Abby, my fam, my pals and everyone I love or have ever loved

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