Are your naked photos online?

This has been an interesting week for Kenyans on twitter. Apart from the extra photos from muliro garden, there were photos of this poor girl from a local private university and a video (read porn) clip from yet another local university, this time public.
Now I could yell from my high horse saying how wrong it was for whoever put those photos online to do it, but I’m a little more honest with myself than that. I’m guilty of retweeting and having a good laugh at how gullible people are when it comes to technology; and how funny/stupid some of those sex positions were.
I have a quick confession to make. Several years ago I happened to lend my camera to a certain lady who later retuned it damaged. Well, the camera was irrecoverable but the memory card wasn’t. The contents taught me one important thing: there are more nudies out there than we might have previously imagined. To cover up the loose end in my confession I’ll state that her photos never made it online and her dignity is intact all these years later. What about the photos? Deleted and the memory card wiped and put through such thorough data shredding nothing could ever be recovered( unless the cyborg from terminator is given a side mission as it waits for Sarah to pop up somewhere, though if it had been given that mission then I’d know by now). And I WAS pissed at her for breaking my camera, among other things! See how good I am? Yeah, you can worship me later.
The only foolproof way of protecting yourself is making sure such photos don’t exist in the first place. Sex in public/risky places is thrilling and probably has no match in the adrenalin seeking area - unless it’s possible to have sex while parachuting, which still adds up to public sex anyway- but this is the 21st century and big brother is everywhere. I can bet just about every other person on the street has a phone with a working camera, this means chances of getting away with a quick shag without getting photographed are pretty slim.
Here is how to decrease your chances of negative online presence (read- having your nudies leaked online):
a) Listen out for any unnatural sound; hell, listen out for any natural sound or any sound at all that is out of place. I know, it’s hard to focus with blood rushing through your ears while the rest of the blood has been redirected from the brain, but it’s really important if you are in unfamiliar territory.
It is common knowledge that all locations have their “native” sounds, so if you’re getting all hot and heavy and you hear a sharp click, STOP! Then search the area and make sure you cover the windows in your search. The natural sound I mentioned earlier is to cover for those cameras that make chirping sounds. Maybe, also check for extremely glossy surfaces on a fixed substrate.
b) Since most people can’t afford a faraday field, make sure no piece of technology is switched on! Look at that toaster as an enemy; unplug it. If you have a laptop make sure the battery is out on the other side of the room and for extra security the lid is firmly shut. In the case of a desktop computer make sure all the cables are on the table and the tips are visible. As for the phones, you know how to take out the battery, don’t you?
I guess all this hustle will take out a lot of your horniness, but ask yourself “which is easier, getting your leaked naked photos off the internet or engaging in a couple extra minutes of foreplay to make up for watered lust?” Yes my friends, make paranoia your best friend, not everybody has my –since I’m modest to a fault- ability to use delete.
As a side note: sometime back this guy showed me a pen and watch that had spy cameras fitted within. I saw the photos, but couldn’t tell where the shutter was located except guess using the angle of the shot to determine the region where it could be. See why paranoia is ok?
If despite all this you still choose to record yourself or sit for photos, remember you are the only person you can trust, and even then, can you trust yourself that well? Many a time I’ve been in a cyber café and, while saving my stuff, seen photos that have made me shake my head. Are they that surprised when they find themselves as trending topics?
More unsolicited advice:
c) Always work from your drive directly from your memory card/flash if you are on a public computer. If you seek assistance, then the only time you should break eye contact with the screen and storage device is when you blink, never mind the mind control required to multitask that. If you blink for exceedingly long periods of time, then you can’t be helped; see a doctor or take coffee for that.
d) Make ctr+shift+delete your best friend. On any browser this action will bring up the browser dialog for clearing all your browsing data. This means if you are one of those people who store data in the draft section then you won’t accidentally leave your email account logged in. If it gives you a message along the lines of “You need administrative permission to do that”, then raise hell. You can never be too safe.
e) Pray. Whatever your religion, turn to the deity and say “Please cover for me if I screwed up!” I know I do.
Have a porn free day

Glass houses

The most cruel thing I've ever told a girl is "I can never love you" and before the lynch squad is organised and pitch forks gathered, I'll tell you of things karma and others blunt(not the weed).
Relationships have never been easy and sometimes i try to adopt a philosophical approach towards them but it doesn't quite cut due to inexperience, age or a touch of both; never been sure which.
She was young and pretty with pink soft lips that tasted like nectar. Like all others before and after her, she was enamoured by this guy with traits of a split personality and extremes in moods and behaviour, and like most others she discovered it can burn sometimes. Her eyes haunt me each time we meet, the innocence gone and memories of the hurt i involuntarily put there. Whenever on the phone i can feel her silent accusation on why she turned cynical. Why i like to avoid emotional contact, that's part of the reason.
I've never found it hard to interact with the fairer sex especially when in my comfort zone. Having a female best friend was a good thing overall, but definitely a thorn in the side relationshipwise. Apparently most girls aren't willing to stick around knowing of the disadvantage that you probably love your best friend more than you ever will them. But that is also neither here and there since you have to breakdown the different types of love.
If i was to lift up my left hand to count the number of times i've been in love, i guess i could comfortably donate my thumb to research, give the little finger to my fish as a light snack and have serious consideration to where the middle finger would required, and still have more than enough fingers left for my count. I'm not ashamed to admit to have been in love. It took the cynicism away. Although i never get it how people fall in love over and over again, i have enough sense to appreciate they lead richer more satisfying lives than i ever will.
Being into the same person always is never an easy thing. Having the need yet the circumstances never letting you be is like being in a glass house on either side of a wall looking at each other. You place your hand at the spot she is placing hers and can't feel the softness. All you can do is look at each other and tap to let each other know you're still there; hoping a door will be found, or maybe somebody will throw a stone and shatter the whole thing, and cut and bruised you will fix each others wounds but at least finally you will be together.
But life isn't that simple, is it? Whenever you get that person who loves you the way you do them fate will always find a way to make sure you can't be, because, lets admit it, life is not a tv show.
Whenever you find that person that loves you, circumstances will be ripe for you two to hook up, but your heart will be that big empty hole with longings for another(refer to the opening statement). And so all the options are there but never in your favour. Isn't life grand?
Whenever cynicism and philosophy fail you do as i do; convince yourself, since you're alive maybe there's a reason and a chance. Many maybes constitute to a whole lot of probablys which overall means there's a chance(forgive the ill constructed grammar); and a chance is way better than nothing. Maybe you will get out of the glass house and maybe you will reach each other, and maybe you will find another. That line of logic barely works for me, but it's a world better than hopelessness. Love is gift, but it's not in your hands who you give it to.

Legion, because there are many of us

He is that geek, quiet in the corner minding his own
Looks on, never a word just a friendly smile
Or a sputter of awkwardness in an attempt at conversation

He is that guy, adrenalin his fuel
His world a blur of adventure,
Violence his second nature
The smell of blood, a spur to his flank for more

The life of the party, that other one
Girls are his ambition, with alcohol no inhibitions
And herb as the cherry on top
Seeking the next big rush

To hold them all at the core
Lies the keeper to them all, and master to none
Guardian of the knowledge they are but one
Pulling each to their own, seeking separate identity

The keeper, sober and decisive, by psychology and meds he shall draw
them in...eventually
There is a limit to occupants of a mind, but they still fight it
They tire him, should he give in they all die
There is a limit to what the world takes as eccentric
And chains and cells is what they offer
He is one mind, one man, but many occupants; Legion

Blogger's dilemma

Sleep eludes me so might as well write.
The blogger's dilemma is the combined cause effect of knowing(or
wondering?) who has access to what you write.
Unlike mainstream or fictional literal works, blogs tend to have more
personal content and emotions. So where do you draw the line? Ideally
one should be able to speak their mind in its entirety, rant, curse or
even cry. This would work perfectly where you have anonymity.
According to the stats of this blog most of the traffic it receives is
through twitter; which is a good thing, but is also the cause of my
grievance, somewhat. Though i'm unknown personally to most of my
followers, i'm getting jitters about the few who do because of the
content of bensyen, and future of it.
I am a person who believes in freedom of expression. I can and do
curse at will without giving a fuck who gets to read or hear it, but
prudence plays a role in the when.
What can i publish without shooting myself in the foot? For example, I
have had clients who were, to say the least, a pain in the ass.
Clients whom i loathed with every fibre of my being but due to
professional courtesy i never blogged to bitch about, because other
potential clients may become aware of my blog and have reservations
about working with me.
Lets bring the issue closer to home; would you write about your
current friends. I'm not talking about the way i can write about my
best friend(former) because i have nothing bad to say about her. No, i
mean those friends who continually lie and by extension shouldn't
actually be refered to as friends.
Here's the big one: would you write about your boss knowing they know
of your blog or might in the immediate future?
I have several posts in the unpublished drafts about friends who
aren't so friendly when they think you aren't looking but i decided
not to publish because in the spirit of vindictiveness that would be
like a pat on the back when colder more delicious vengeance can be
achieved. Watching them squirm beats the most hateful blog, and you
haven't even began to get them back. But that isn't what i was leading
up to with this post.
Would you write about your boss? I know, i rarely wrote about my old
boss, though i will eventually. He was actually among the most
interesting people i've ever met and the content of the topics we
debated will definitely require more blog entries under respective
topics.
He knew of my blog, though back then it was yulemsee.blogspot.com, and
he asked about it leading to a discussion of basically what i've been
talking about. If i get into what type of person he was here i'll run
out of space but i'll cover that in a later post. But as far as he was
concerned he never minded as long as company secrets didn't make it
into the blog.
Now we enter my current dilemma. Many of my coworkers are aware of my
blog and more with time as i get more followers on twitter. So what if
a point strikes too close to home? Can i easily tell them to go fuck
themselves the way i do to my friends? Will they take it in the same
spirit my friends do? I won't moderate my tweets in any way, but can i
do the same with my blog? Will i have to constantly watch my back
before clicking 'publish'? I don't know and guess it's a river i'll
cross when i get to it.
Then again i guess this is one of those posts that require a follow up
post to fill in the bigger picture, and one of those you walk into
with your fingers crossed. Here goes nothing. In conclusion will do a
follow up after a month.
Cheers!

--
Sent from my mobile device

The difference between one man and another is not mere ability it is
energy.~ Thomas
Arnold

How to be a kenyan on twitter

Twitter is a great social networking tool and all that bull jargon that gets thrown around when "expert" analysts try to sound smart about about technology they barely understand.
Kenyans on twitter are an interesting lot and having been actively on twitter for sometime i could safely say i kinda have an idea of how they(we) function. So i can, with a degree of confidence, tell the newbies how to join and interact nicely with the rest of the masses.

1. This is not facebook
When you join twitter you say goodbye to the notifications and asskissery that we have come to know as facebook. In fact, facebook is frowned upon on twitter and is just called MKZ(mukuru kwa zuckerberg), yeah, it's some sort of slum with 500million people stoking the egos of a couple hundred.
I guess this transition is usually hardest on the good looking 'hot' chicks. No more putting up a question mark as a status update and getting 20 comments in a few minutes. But don't worry so much, on twitter we have dibs. More on that later.

2. Your timeline
Your twitter timeline is your lifeline, so to speak. Once you get the hang of tweeting, the refresh button(f5) will be your best friend. You will do it almost everywhere and if your battery isn't up to it, your phone will lose charge by the early afternoon.
Most importantly, you will learn to express yourself in under 140 characters. I know there are applications like twitlonger that try to stretch that out, but it's usually as a segue from facebook, so eventually you will find yourself in the 140 character or less region.
So far what i've talked about can apply to all other twitter users in the world except the mkz part that is unique to kenyans
Kenyans on twitter are brutal an merciless
This heading tells it all. Kenyans on twitter are like a pack of caged, rabid, hungry dogs just waiting for the latch to loosen on the cage door and all hell is unleashed upon the unsuspecting, though rarely innocent, victim. They will tear you up, then take the pieces and tear them up some more. People around the world WILL see the massacre and tsk tsk tsk. Your tatters will be picked up by google and cached for future last laughs by the slower ones among us. But don't worry, this rarely happens unless you're a kenyan celebrity, politician, midget radio presenter who incites(d) or belong to a clique ripe for mocking, like say female from a certain private university.

Kenyans on twitter are anonymous.
'Anonymity is synonymous to longetivity.' That air of mystery around somebody you know yet don't know lends power to the kenyans on twitter. Like i said before twitter isn't facebook. You can only describe yourself in 140char or less and put up a link to your blog or wherever you want to point it.
This means you won't know shit about somebody unless they tell you. Most of the time all you have to work with is the user handle(username) and avatar(profile photo) also called your avi.
Basically this means in case of anything, read defamation, copyright infringement, bullying, you can't do anything. Ok, you have sway in the bullying part because of the terms of service i'm sure nobody bothers to read, but barely.

Morals don't count for shit!
It's true! Your timeline WILL be bombarded with breasts on tuesday and asses on thursday. You will be exposed to the type of adult content that makes old ladies wail and cover themselves with sacks and ash. Somebody will probably call dibs on the old ladies covered with sacks and ash and everything will be turned into a double entrendre.

Dibs
If you are an attractive lady and post a photo of yourself through twitpic or any other image service, somebody will call dibs. Hell, several people will call dibs. You will be DM'd and hit on from more sides than a bracelet at a blacksmiths. People will be bold and vulgar, and subliminals will be the order of the day.

Tweet smart
If you are in doubt of your intelligence, DON'T TWEET! Because you will be sniffed out, and remember about kenyans on twitter being brutal? Looks don't count here. You can say hi to guys/girls but keep it simple, you may never know who will turn you into a trending topic.

It's never that serious
Despite the lack in morality and deceptive brutality you have to remember this golden rule. Feathers will be ruffled, egos will be deflated, but extending a grudge beyond the timeline and into real life is really stupid. You should always take everything on twitter in jest. Don't lose sleep over something you may have been called because, unless you are a politician or public servant, most kenyans on twitter are there to have fun, bitch and socialize without the normal face to face social constraints of having to communicate with several people at once.

Who to follow
For a start, me! Just give me a shout out and i'll hopefully follow back....or anyone else. The important thing is to inform them you're following by interacting with them. Set your location to Kenya, or Nairobi, Kenya. It helps.

Positive negative reinforcement

I'll start(and end) with one of my common disclaimers that sound like "No offence, but…"

I'm in no way encouraging things like shoving your fingers down the throat immediately after eating, but if Ben doesn't know, he won't tell.

Have you ever looked into the mirror and thought, "Damn, i look good!"

Yes? Well, my friend, you just lost the battle. The thing about compliments I they should never be from the same source they're directed at. The moment you are comfortable with how you look, you lose the fight against complacency. Your body is the one area you should never ever see a perfect! IT must have that chink you are constantly working to improve. Why do you think fat people are fat? Because they over ate? Hell no! It is because somebody, probably themselves, told them they looked good. I'll touch on that in a bit.

Do you have a self-help book about improving positive self-image and all that hogwash about getting the best out of life? Yes? Throw that thing away, but first take a felt pen and draw glasses and a moustache on the author. This won't get you your money back or make you less cheated, but it might make you giggle and give you that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you deface something.

The problem with today's world is people are too fucking pretentious. You know, screw political correctness. It is main the problem with our society. I have seen cases where kids are taught that 'it's not about the winning, but the journey!' really? Doesn't that sound like something a loser would say to justify the losing status? Here comes another person all obese and panting each time they use their brain cell and somebody else has the audacity to tell them, "You are perfect the way you are, God made you in his own image". So the next time the fatty is looking in the mirror, he likes what he sees. Ah, now you are starting to see the picture.

Every day we are fed lies by conformists who have no right sticking their noses into our business. They tell us what is ok, what is not, trying to create a robot army for their capitalist masters. Ok, i could have picked better wording, but it's more fun sounding like a conspiracy theorist.

But seriously, by making it wrong to point out to a fat person that they are fat, aren't they the ones committing the crimes against the fatties? By making it or saying it's ok/normal to be fat, does it mean you are absolved from hypertension and heart attack? What is good or bad for your physical or mental well-being is not determined by your society. Social interactions improve our chances of survival which is good. But society doesn't have the power or right to make what is naturally wrong to be ok. Some things are that black and white. You may bring in the talk about "What matters is what makes me happy. Each to their own path of happiness." Does it make you happy when I call you a fatty? Never mind that sometimes I don't do it so much to make you improve, as to give myself some sort of evil satisfaction

Anyway a critic reading this would be quick to point out, this entry has no organized structure or point. And that the author does seem to have a bias against fat people, notably by the repeated use of the term "fatty". I'd tell that critic to take their crap and shove it back up that shithole it came out of. That is part of the problem with today's society, everyone is treated like an invalid and handled with padded gloves, and we learn to rely so much on what others think of us we all merge into one homologous(ha, i said homo) layer, where one person can't be differentiated from the other.

Did you know that telling me that I'm one in a million would piss me off? Yeah, because even though you're trying to make me feel unique, you just implied there are 1thousand other guys just like me which really makes me feel special! By following that line of thought we can safely assume that if i died, there are 1thousand other guys waiting to take over my space so comfortably, it would be like i never left. In my ideal fantasy I'm immortal, boring as living forever would be. Though then when on one of my quarterly excursions to Titan (the moon on Saturn) I'd be sure on meditating on the miracle of life…and living forever. But if i died i want people so depressed they engineer a way of bringing me back to life...and probably give me immortality in the process, I'd give them an exception and not eat their brains (that's a delicacy to zombies, right?) But again, I've digressed.

Positive negative reinforcement is the state/application/trait where you always strive to make yourself better by focusing on the negative things about yourself. Don't live on compliments. When i look into a mirror all i see are the man boobs (moobs), even though by societal standards i barely have any. But it keeps me pushing my body to stay fit. So according to myself I'm also a fatty fatty, and the fear of heart attack and hypertension (and herpes too) keeps me on my toes. You see now, it's not how others perceive you that keeps you alive and awesome, it's you that keeps you alive, so shrug off the compliments and see the horror that looks on from within the mirror.

Next time you see a fat person, call them out, you might have just saved their life. Plant that seed of negative reinforcement!

Disclaimer: Author is not advocating for the victimization of fatties, neither is he propagating the idea that some people are better than others (although he is).

Everyone is perfect the way they are, and the fact that gyms and the diet food/drink industry is raking in millions is purely coincidental.