I have been really idle the past couple of days, something i'm not used to. I had connectivity and nothing much else to do. Somewhere in my head it clicked that getting out of a cyber cafe with a hard on was not really a smart thing to do, therefore porn was out of the question. So i go through the spam folder in my gmail account.
There are about 200 emails in there, so i select them randomly. The first one tells me I've won some yahoo lottery i never applied for. True, i have a yahoo account and true it is linked to my gmail account, so i check the boring details, since there is no wet paint to watch as it dries. I open the pdf and as google docs is loading, i muse over the pros and cons of the calories i could lose by continually banging my head against a wall.
Finally its done and the yahoo logo is splashed unprofessionally all over the document. Apparently I'd won £820,000! I couldn't hide my excitement so i ran around the CyberCafe screaming,"Yes! Yes! Yeeeeees!", kissed the dude attendant in the mouth and called my boss and told him to jerk off, I'm a millionaire now! No, not really. Still in a state of boredom I skimmed though the document. I assumed if i'd won they would at least have my email and names. It wasn't there. I checked the "from" address expecting something like firstname.lastname@example.org; it was from email@example.com which shocked me to the core! Not really, i expected something like that. The rest was just a load of crap about needing my personal information making me lose all interest and click "delete".
Moving on, the next email read "Permanent EnlargedPenis with Dr. Guaranteeed Up To 4 Inches & 50% wider in 90 days or less"(sic). Yeah, I have always had a problem with my penis size; whenever i see a naked woman it grows, then after sometime it shrinks again; how good would a permanent solution be! I had considered using something akin to chinese chopsticks to prop it up, but here is a solution with a "new formula"! I guess i missed the old formula last time i cleared my spam(shameless pun - Editor). So i followed the link... No, I "accidentally" deleted on purpose, so now I'll never have the cure to attaining a permanent erection.
The next emails pretty much had the same the theme. One in particular caught my eye:
DO YOU WISH YOU HAD A Wider & ThickerPenis?
Do you have below issues?
Small and inadequatePenis size - Do you feel like you have a smallPenis?
Poor performance duringSex - Does the anxiety beforeSex cripple your ability to perform?
Decreased self confidence - Have the years of ridicule taken their toll on your ego?
Loss of interest - Has your inability to please yourPartner caused you to lose/decrease your desire forSex?
If you answered YES to even ONE of these questions
We can help! click here to read more(Changed the link, don't worry)
I would walk through my answers to each of the idiotic questions, but it would contribute to what is commonly referred as too much information, but it was a "no" to each. Though the last question could be either a trick question, an insult or indication of a very selfish man. Then again nobody has ever give me a formal complaint. I mean, when you have a nasty break up majority of the girls use lines like "You weren't all that in bed!", or "I faked it", that should be a signal. But If they try to get a booty call, you did something right. I assume that is what would happen in general situation *ahem*!
I never even bothered with the viagra themed emails...it's an insult to youthful virility.
At the end of it all, i learnt a major lesson: Delete spam regularly and you are better off continually banging your head against a wall to pass time....