Please Like my impeccable grammar

I decided to go through the posts in this blog in chronological order just to review my frame of mind at the time I wrote each post and the first thing to hit me was, damn I've come from far! Had many nostalgic moments and missed the days when vowels were not part of the words in my vocabulary.
"Holy horseshit, Ben! They should give you an award or something for showing some sort of evolution"
I know, right? I should put some sort of Donate to my Paypal thingy here as you guys fund-raise for the proper gift. Sporadic writers need coffee too you know, for those late nights spent napping as they imagine what they'd do if they had control over all the worlds resources. I'd live in the sea, like ocean-girl...probably adopt a dolphin, and after sorting out the communication differences, find a way of determining who is the most intelligent mammal. I'd call him Flipper, or Master.

Legend states that it's a good thing to sprinkle random somewhat relevant images in the post to make it more attractive to readers. Look at what I found in stockphotos. Yum 

Anyway...
My grammar was ok but my spelling sucked. It's because those early posts were initially Facebook notes. Those were the good times, people commented, said nice things like "wow, you're such a good writer, Ben, you should totally write a book", while some of the girls were like "oh golly, Ben, imagine if we had babies, they'd be so poetic and deep."
To which I'd say, "Thanks, I appreciate. Wanna go out sometime...like a date date..."
To which they'd say, "Oh, Ben, that sounds nice , especially because I've dated assholes and I'm always updating my status asking where all the good men are. But I like you as a friend and I know you will make some girl really happy some day because, personally, despite me always saying how reliable you are and how good you are to me and how much I say love you, and that I know you've never cheated on anyone and can't even imagine it, I still think of you as a tool: my emotional dumpster. We still good, right?"
Me, "Yeah, we're good", followed later by a bout of crying, masturbation, and asking God why he made me different... It wasn't pretty AT ALL!

Guess it came(ha!) to a point when I realized I should standardize my writing in case I needed a writing gig and the prospective client/employer needed a sample of something I'd written. I was nasty and really vindictive sometimes, those times because negative energy fuelled me, but all those posts are gone now...gone to the great recycle bin in the sky. Funny thing, my grammar was probably better in  my primary school and high school days. Campus was just one blur of partying and travelling...plus I never spoke English even once unless I was presenting something.

But even if it came to the point where I present my blog to be judged by a prospective client/employer, how would I explain the cursing? Well, even gentlemen have breaking points when they take off one glove and bitchslap a fucker. Cursing is the writer's glove, besides sticks and stones may break my bones temporarily, but words will haunt me forever and affect all my future relationships...

While my grammar has come of age, my creativity, on the other hand, has gone to the dogs! Can't write even a measly fiction story! Depression seems to have claimed that before it got slew. I wish I could write creatively again. If anything that is the one thing I miss the most and pretty much want back. Is there a pill you can take that will give you back everything you lost those last 4 years? Wait, I said no more pills for me...except Oleanz once every few months.

So I started this thing where rather than type my thoughts into the laptop, I actually have a notebook where I write on. It's really working out well for me especially my handwriting which had suffered over the years when I just typed.

Just like the pleasure I get from loud music, I can't describe the feeling I get when holding that pen and just seeing the story roll out, all my fears, joys and frustrations in a tangible form. That paper has a lot of my life energy in it in a way no word document could ever capture...it's kinda humbling especially because I know that unlike my drafts which are password protected, if I died today, all my emotions will be exposed the moment someone takes it and reads through it...

The raw nature of it feels really different, especially at that point when you cancel out a thought already written, if you wrote over it the updated text wouldn't be that legible, so you cross out the text then continue on unused space. Even crossed out thoughts still exist and lend their voice to the story, so a not-so-casual observer can follow your thought process to the extent that even text you were trying to delete would make sense. Everything in that notebook is a story...the A4 Chronicles!

The downside is I have to manually type in a post if I want to put it up on this blog...

So, do you like my grammar? I know it's not perfect but at least I try to make it easier to understand my thoughts...

Keep well