Dear diary,
It has been an eventful year...no thanks to Santa, that no good, lying, non existent son-of-a-bitch. You know santa, you suck! Not even the lack lustre imagination of a demented twenty sth year old can give you life anymore.
2011 was a good year for me. It was a year for new things; new friends, new relationship, new home, new job, new medication. I'll expound presently.
In 2011 i continued to bleed friends from the seams. But i didn't mind it that much, there is only so much patience you can extend even to people who you've known since you were toddlers and when the fat lady sings, even childhood friendships gotta move to bygones *sigh*. Betrayal is like that crack in the mirror, overall the image may seem all bright and rosy, but you can't escape the fact that there's a freakin crack in the mirror. Good riddance to that trash.
Oh yeah, my best friend came back, though now she's no longer my best friend rather my good friend now... comparative and superlatives my dear watson... It's true a guy and a girl can be best friends, but when you put a relationship in the mix you have to sacrifice one for the other. The only way you can have both is if you're in the relationship with your best friend. Semantics make my head hurt. See diary, i'm learning, seems the life lessons are far from over.
Did i mention i got a new job? Yeah, i did, the pay is on the iffy end of the scale, buh i love what i do because it expands and challenges my mind, and i'm not just saying that for the sake of it. The environment is great though sometimes i need time to breath and stifle that sense of panic and anxiety that builds up from time to time, though between my shrink, my girl and the bipolar medication the explosion is kinda sorted out...which segues us to the next new thing...
So i'm now on bipolar medication. After years of being on the fast dangerous lane all my systems were given a hard reboot and put on a slower pace. Am i agreeable to the treatment? Yes and no...t really. On one hand i hate having many of my 'normal' impulses dulled to the extent i think i'm actually becoming slow. On the other hand, i love this being in a stable relationship thing, which would normally not be possible with the runaway train that is my unmedicated mind. The problem with the meds is they don't provide you with a checklist where i tick the features i want deactivated and leave the ones i wanna keep, it's more of blanket smothering of all features. Ok, i admit i'm a bit biased against the meds because of what some of the side effects do to my body, but overall, my shrink was right, they have given me a richer life experience and i'm less likely to put myself in life threatening situations and stupid situations like walking out on things like my job. But the best thing about the meds, they took away the depression that plagued my life since the mental breakdown of 2009/2010. That is one thing i'm not ready to go through again! Viva la medication!
Did i mention that i stopped being reckless in all aspects? I didn't? Nowadays i look both ways before crossing the road, i'm unlikely to do random hook ups with girls i barely know and best of all i do this because i'm looking out for what's best for me! Last year i didn't have that self preservation urge! So it's a big step for me!
Finally, my friends, i know i rarely make outgoing calls but i do appreciate, especially the ones that come through when i ask for their help. Ok it's kinda hard to be mushy when the music playing in my background has shifted from lady antebellum to 'rudia' by kenrazy...rudia ndio term tuli-use na kila kitu ika-go cool...ni vipi, maze jo sikulala, nilitoka straight bado nikaenda kusaka, bahati mbaya nikapata niliyemg'amu, akanicheki hakuamini akashangaa akaniita akaniuliza 'nini mbaya?' nilipofika nikaona izo mapaja, macho haina pazia, nikaona mpaka mbaha, tukabonga alafu tukarudia... Ok, love is gonna save us by benny benasi is now playing.
Where was i before i got distracted? Oh, yeah, friends are like urine, everyone can see the stain, but only you know the warmth...ha! I really do appreciate my pals and i know i sometimes make them walk eggshells around me and i'm extra cautious but it passes with time. I'll quote somebody, i forget his name, who said, 'Lord, protect me from my friends, i can deal with my enemies!' Ok, if no famous philosopher said that, i'll claim it for my own...
I have made numerous friends this year, more than i can count on both hands, met many awesome people, had laughs and go-fuck-yourself moments. We've had fun, partied 'like we just don't care' and in general brought the house down. The story behind the eggshells needs a whole blog entry so i'll expound that in its own time in a different post.
Finally, diary, as i wind up. I've been mentioning in passing the relationship. I'm thankful for this one person who stood by me through all the stress, tears and confusion that comes with having a boyfriend with(had) multiple personas, especially when they overlapped, exercerbated each other to create horrible combinations. Lord knows the pain that came with that and the endurance required. She is Godsent. Here's a toast to less turbulent times.
And finally, in this entry that is less hating on santa and more on what i'm thankful for, my family. Fate stuck them with one helluva fuck up but they've endured him admirably, hehe. I'm happy to have them.
2011 was a year of mixed blessings and a whole load, and then some, better than 2010. Here's to 2012 being a rockstar haven for Ben and co!
Happy new year รข mes amies!
Signing out officially on 2011, Ben
