In my snug little world deep deep in the reaches of the mind where the normal ben tried to find himself and unfortunately got lost, indefinitely, leaving me to cover for his absence, a job I'm increasingly getting tired of each day, i often talk to my apprentice as i guide him on how he will take over when i too lose it and hide in the forest hidden deep in the reaches of the mind.
A question he bothers me a lot with is about the origin and purpose of it all, the universe, life and religion. I usually just shrug and tell him, nobody is even sure what the question is.
So the next commonly asked question is, "Master, I've heard of horrors like anal rape, how do i do my best to avoid it?"
"Good question young one. Rape in all its forms is detested and frowned upon in the real world, and there is never any situation that is light enough for you to ever EVER joke about rape, EVER! I know its tempting in your own little mind to do something like...er...say, write a satirical blog entry about rape titled something along the lines of 'Is he planning to rape you'."
"So, what are you doing on the phone?"
"i'm...er...sending a text to a friend, absolutely no blogging is going on!"
"Can i see what you are doing?"
"No, its personal"
"Huh? U do know how ridiculous that sounds, right?"
Forgive that back and forth, my head tends to get crowded at times. Anyway back to the headline: how as a guy, to know your friend(s) or stranger(s) is/are planning to rape you. Ironically though, is where i pulled this whole thing out of.
As we all know, rape is usually done by somebody close to you. Whether they mean this literally proximity wise, residential, friend wise or from a genetic standpoint is all entirely debatable(elsewhere - Editor)... my money is on proximity though...doesn't get any closer than that. Bottom line is, as much as they say keep your enemies closer, you'd pretty much be better off if they were dead or at least tied up in your basement unconscious. I mean, being close to your enemies is a bit of an oxymoron, wouldn't you have a better time partying with your friends than by doing something like playing Russian roulette with a herd of angry horny buffaloes pissed at you because you killed the last female bovine on earth to sate your craving for a soft burger, this after milking her then later accidentally knocking over the bucket in front of the hapless (male)calf. The buffaloes are even more agitated since (a)they saw the photos, because you put them on facebook and, like an idiot, tagged the calf, and (b) they cant release themselves on account of having hooves not palms. So now you are stuck in a room with a bunch of sweaty straight animals facing the grim reality that not only are you single handedly responsible for the extinction of hooved mammals, but you are still the reason they will go the dodo way having engaged in not so straight activity of gratification, where some of them are now exposed to the imminent and probably inevitable danger of anal rape, because genetics lent them the backhand and gave them slightly effeminate features and balls that from afar look like rather nice B cup udders. To worsen the situation in your keep my enemies closer policy, you probably let them put in the bullet into the revolver as an act of good faith and volunteered to go first, not realizing just how pissed they are at you, hence filled ALL the chambers with the nasty hollow-points.
Point is, there should be this line for friends, just at the edge where the bomb proof glass ends, and that line just over the horizon is where the enemies should be tied up and locked.
So, at what point should your alarms be rigged to scream 'run for the hills' or 'molestation alert'? Its actually quite simple as you will find out in this 10step program to mitigate anal rape...though mitigate implies its a tad too late for prevention. These steps shall be presented in form of instructions, scenarios or whatever the author sees fit to equate as a point...
By now you are nearing the the end of the article and somewhere at the back of your head a small warning is going off "wait a second, the paragraphs left don't seem like they can hold 3 leave alone 10 points on how to avoid rape" and here i agree. What has been inflicted upon you is commonly referred to as Intellectual Rape, where 15minutes(depending on reading speed) of your life are taken from you by an author who is writing merely for the sake of filling words on a screen having put up an enticing heading and baits you here and there with an interesting, yet entirely useless anecdote to ensure you get to the end. But i assure you this is not the case here where I'll draw your attention to the heading which has been appended with "Prelude".
This leads to:
Step 1: Avoid being Baited
Human beings being of flesh are vulnerable to psychological manipulation along the lines of conditioning. This not being a class, rather a How-To manual of sorts I'd direct your attention to Pavlov and his experiments...go on..Google it.
Anyway here is the scenario here:
Boy1 likes boys. Boy1 lives in closet. Boy1 meets boy2 who likes girl but wants a boy friend(not boyfriend) to meet over drinks and just talk of girls, conveniently avoiding part where girl keeps boy2's jewels in her handbag. Disappointed, boy1 plays along and befriends boy2. Boy1 conditions boy2 to associate escaping nagging girl by drinking into a stupor and blacking out in boy1's pad. Boy1 secretly rubs hands in glee and looks at the calendar as date he is supposed to move to new job in new country approaches. Boy2 is clueless.
So you see nobody is safe. In the next entry we cover Steps 2 - Step 10 and the conclusion
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