Is he planning to "plough" you?

Disclaimer:This entry should in no way be confused gay bashing. I happen to have a very tolerant perception of homosexuality; that people should be free to pursue whatever makes them happy. Rape is also a serious issue not to be joked about…like I've done here. So if you don't have any semblance of humour in you…move along to the older entries…or new one. They probably have something that will appeal to a one track mind
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Yeah, I know this one has been a long time coming, but finally, the scintillating sequel!

Previously we talked of how a straight guy may fall prey to the "seduction" of a closet friend who isn't ready to go through the painstaking process of turning a straight man. We continue with the tips on what to notice and avoid getting anal raped.

1. Does he place a hand on your thigh?
   

   In the history of sexual overture none has been stronger than the gesture of placing a hand upon another's thigh. If a guy ever does that to you, punch him. That is the only way to cleanse the sacrilege inflicted upon your body. If he is bigger than you, slowly edge away uncomfortably and don't make eye contact.
   

2. He doesn't like it when you bring your girlfriend
   I once had a friend, again note the tense, who never seemed to like any of my exes especially when I brought them to our drinking sessions, unless we'd just broken up, and then he'd go, "Awww, how now? She seemed nice." He probably didn't realize I saw the possessiveness and the silent high five he gave himself. Possessiveness by a dude to another dude implies, nay, PROVES, that he plans to do you at one time or another, whether you like it or not.
   


3. He desperately wants to be roomies
   

   When I was in third year in campus I got a job so I was able to afford my own place. Anyone who knows me knows I love my space; there's nothing I love more than just blacking out on the carpet surrounded by music. Then comes this co-worker desperately wanting to be roomies. I go like "dude, you making enough to live on your own, WTF!!!". I assumed he was planning something sinister especially since he had shown creepy tendencies like number 8, 9 and 10 below. Key point here is, if somebody shows they want something too much and you can't see any feasible/useful outcome, run!
   

4. He want to spend time with you
   

   This point pretty much speaks for itself. Personally if a guy calls me more than two times a day and it's not business related, I start avoiding him. Guys don't just call each other to "just talk". Guys go out for drinks, guys talk about girls and the topic focuses mostly on boobs, Julie gichuru and the craziest place you ever got laid. So if you have this guy friend who just wants to hang out just the two of you, think twice. It's just not ok.
   

5. He opens up to you emotionally
   

   No need to expound here. He's trying to reel you in emotionally. If he doesn't succeed he'll probably try some of the later points.
   

6. You've never actually seen him hook up with a real woman
   

   I once had this friend, who was all talk, yet when we were hanging out with the rest of the boys and our current girlfriends (the usage of the term is loose here when it came to me considering it was our first hook up with the girl), his girlfriend wasn't there. I started to suspect she wasn't real. I even started to suspect the saucy texts he showed us came from his other phone whose number none of us knew.
   

7. He says "Who needs women anyway"
   

   So the said friend who texts himself and has a very active pathetic account on adultfriendfinder after striking out when he tried to hit on my girlfriend (yeah I was in a relationship) started talking smack about girls in general. He'd struck out several other times, probably because their gaydars were primed and they probably figure he was a freak. A question I actually got more than once was "how can you work with that freak?"
   

   Women may be hard to understand (read impossible), but no matter what we still love them and still want to sleep with them. Even gay dudes love women. So a guy who seems to dislike women may be doing so because he blames them for the lack of enough opportunity and this is where serial killers and rapists come from. You know the kinds who are seen on CSI tying up the woman in the bathroom, smacking the guy unconscious and dragging him to the bedroom…not funny.
   

8. He peeks in the urinal
   
   Figure 3: There's a theory about size being relevant in determination of who becomes the screwer and who is made the screwee…we talking muscle mass here
   

   The general rule of thumb in a urinal is eyes should be on the wall. If your friend constantly peeks after following you into the urinal, user beware! In as much as the urinal is great for showing off and intimidating guys trying to hit on your girl, it is also a ripe recruitment area for potential ass bandits. You have to consider the fact they might not actually interested her. Rather you might find yourself engaged in a sword fight you will just end losing, morally and literally.
   

9. Does he want you to partake in a crime
   
   Figure 4: Chanting "The booty is mine no one can have it" doesn't necessarily guarantee you won't be anal raped
   
   

   The final most important advice in avoiding being raped as a guy, avoid prison. After lengthy research on the statistics of rape in prison, evidence collected by watching hours of The Boondocks reruns, it has become clear that going to prison is an assurance you WILL be penetrated anally. So the next time he suggests lighting a joint in front of a police station or in public, know he has plans, probably of getting you to drop the soap.
   

10. Avoid queues
    

    We have all been stuck in queues at one time or another, maybe in the supermarket, or the bank. Statistics show that queues are the number one crime scenes for the passive rape of men. Passive rape involves rubbing up against you in a queue until a phenomenon commonly known as "jizz in my pants" is achieved. Though it is arguable there was no penetration, the feeling of violation is still the same.
    

11. Does he want to watch twilight with you?
    

    Personally I haven't watched twilight, because I'm straight, and straight men don't admit to having watched twilight. Straight men watch True Blood, where Eric admits to being bisexual but is still cool, because he can fly. Even Clark from Smallville can't hack flying.
    

    
    

    
    
    Figure 1: "My name is Eric, I'm moody, I want Suki, but I'll fuck you too, both literally and figuratively. I threw Lady Gaga off a balcony, coz I'm gangster"
    
    I heard twilight vampires walk in the sun and practice abstinence. True vampires laugh in the face of abstinence. So the idea of the fairy tale of a vampire that wants to wait till you get married or converts you first is ridiculous. Only fairies exist in fairies tales. In essence this means if a guy wants to watch Twilight with you, he is gay and in extension wants to rape you.
    

12. Does he try to get you drunk?
    

    I once had a friend (note the past tense) who used to buy me a lot drinks. It never escaped me the extreme look of disappointment in his face when he realized my tolerance to alcohol was extremely high, in that I never blacked out or lost coherence. This was because I respect one cardinal question "do you suspect his sexuality". If the answer is yes, cross him out of your drinking buddy list.
    

    The same reason you smile at her and refill her drink is the same reason he is smiling at you and calling for another round.
    

13. What type of music is playing in the background when he invited you to his place
    
    Figure 2: Note the extreme horror and surprise...bet he didn't see it coming…bet he wont see it coming(sic)
    I guess this should also go along with "is anyone else invited", but it's more fun this way. If he plays anything by Ace of Base or ABBA especially Flower or Dancing Queen, run! I once saw a St. Georges parade on TV where they were playing Dancing Queen in the background. In scrubs when JD was almost married to an old man, guess what music was in the background… Ever since, I've always associated Dancing Queen to daisy dukes.
    

So how can you tell when it's too late to mitigate anal rape? Ans: when you have been already been done; here're things to look out for:

1. Instead of loud farts they come out in form of a silent whoosh
   
2. Yeah, that's basically it…the whoosh
   

Is he planning to rape you : Part 1 - Prelude

In my snug little world deep deep in the reaches of the mind where the normal ben tried to find himself and unfortunately got lost, indefinitely, leaving me to cover for his absence, a job I'm increasingly getting tired of each day, i often talk to my apprentice as i guide him on how he will take over when i too lose it and hide in the forest hidden deep in the reaches of the mind.
A question he bothers me a lot with is about the origin and purpose of it all, the universe, life and religion. I usually just shrug and tell him, nobody is even sure what the question is.
So the next commonly asked question is, "Master, I've heard of horrors like anal rape, how do i do my best to avoid it?"
"Good question young one. Rape in all its forms is detested and frowned upon in the real world, and there is never any situation that is light enough for you to ever EVER joke about rape, EVER! I know its tempting in your own little mind to do something like...er...say, write a satirical blog entry about rape titled something along the lines of 'Is he planning to rape you'."
"So, what are you doing on the phone?"
"i'm...er...sending a text to a friend, absolutely no blogging is going on!"
"Can i see what you are doing?"
"No, its personal"
"Huh? U do know how ridiculous that sounds, right?"

Forgive that back and forth, my head tends to get crowded at times. Anyway back to the headline: how as a guy, to know your friend(s) or stranger(s) is/are planning to rape you. Ironically though, is where i pulled this whole thing out of.
As we all know, rape is usually done by somebody close to you. Whether they mean this literally proximity wise, residential, friend wise or from a genetic standpoint is all entirely debatable(elsewhere - Editor)... my money is on proximity though...doesn't get any closer than that. Bottom line is, as much as they say keep your enemies closer, you'd pretty much be better off if they were dead or at least tied up in your basement unconscious. I mean, being close to your enemies is a bit of an oxymoron, wouldn't you have a better time partying with your friends than by doing something like playing Russian roulette with a herd of angry horny buffaloes pissed at you because you killed the last female bovine on earth to sate your craving for a soft burger, this after milking her then later accidentally knocking over the bucket in front of the hapless (male)calf. The buffaloes are even more agitated since (a)they saw the photos, because you put them on facebook and, like an idiot, tagged the calf, and (b) they cant release themselves on account of having hooves not palms. So now you are stuck in a room with a bunch of sweaty straight animals facing the grim reality that not only are you single handedly responsible for the extinction of hooved mammals, but you are still the reason they will go the dodo way having engaged in not so straight activity of gratification, where some of them are now exposed to the imminent and probably inevitable danger of anal rape, because genetics lent them the backhand and gave them slightly effeminate features and balls that from afar look like rather nice B cup udders. To worsen the situation in your keep my enemies closer policy, you probably let them put in the bullet into the revolver as an act of good faith and volunteered to go first, not realizing just how pissed they are at you, hence filled ALL the chambers with the nasty hollow-points.
Point is, there should be this line for friends, just at the edge where the bomb proof glass ends, and that line just over the horizon is where the enemies should be tied up and locked.
So, at what point should your alarms be rigged to scream 'run for the hills' or 'molestation alert'? Its actually quite simple as you will find out in this 10step program to mitigate anal rape...though mitigate implies its a tad too late for prevention. These steps shall be presented in form of instructions, scenarios or whatever the author sees fit to equate as a point...
By now you are nearing the the end of the article and somewhere at the back of your head a small warning is going off "wait a second, the paragraphs left don't seem like they can hold 3 leave alone 10 points on how to avoid rape" and here i agree. What has been inflicted upon you is commonly referred to as Intellectual Rape, where 15minutes(depending on reading speed) of your life are taken from you by an author who is writing merely for the sake of filling words on a screen having put up an enticing heading and baits you here and there with an interesting, yet entirely useless anecdote to ensure you get to the end. But i assure you this is not the case here where I'll draw your attention to the heading which has been appended with "Prelude".
This leads to:
Step 1: Avoid being Baited
Human beings being of flesh are vulnerable to psychological manipulation along the lines of conditioning. This not being a class, rather a How-To manual of sorts I'd direct your attention to Pavlov and his experiments...go on..Google it.
Anyway here is the scenario here:
Boy1 likes boys. Boy1 lives in closet. Boy1 meets boy2 who likes girl but wants a boy friend(not boyfriend) to meet over drinks and just talk of girls, conveniently avoiding part where girl keeps boy2's jewels in her handbag. Disappointed, boy1 plays along and befriends boy2. Boy1 conditions boy2 to associate escaping nagging girl by drinking into a stupor and blacking out in boy1's pad. Boy1 secretly rubs hands in glee and looks at the calendar as date he is supposed to move to new job in new country approaches. Boy2 is clueless.
So you see nobody is safe. In the next entry we cover Steps 2 - Step 10 and the conclusion