Break point

By writing in my current state of agitation i'm breaking a major promise i made to myself sometime back to never publish anything i've written while emotional immediately. It's my way of keeping myself from giving out too much information.
Moving on, it's 1am and i'm up sitting up in my couch feeling miserable and hating my life. I'd rather be in bed because i have a long day tomorrow and i need my beauty sleep.
I have been thinking about my life a lot lately and i don't think i like what i've done with it so far. I know its less than a month since my graduation but i expected better of myself.

Not Love

I hate it when you look into my eyes,
cz i dont want you to see my soul
I hate it when i look into your eyes,
All i see is the vanity n lies of beauty you've been fed
I hate it when you try to hold me,
It just reminds me i'm alone
I hate it when u hold my hands,
cz it keeps me from downing my vodka
I hate it when u ask me if i think u r pretty,
thats why i'm taking the vodka, to lie better
I hate it when u ask what i'm thinking about,
cz its definately not you
I hate it when u kiss me,
all th lipgloss feels lk i'm eating raw cold fat
I hate it when u hug me,
feels like a squishy oil drum
I hate it when u ask me 2go home with u,
cz i wanna go home n wank
I hate it when u brag 2 me who u can have,
cz it sure as hell aint me
I hate it when u ask why i'm being an asshole,
cz i dont give a shit
I hate it when u ask me if i'l call,
cz i'd rather spend my airtime writing on how much i hate everything about you

Ode

Tossing n turning there's no sleep
For upon the night it will weep
A wounded heart still raw
Knowing all that it saw
All the love that it will hoard

Praying against all hope
That she with the voice like the sea
Will just once turn and see
The one who hurts behind the smile
And tries to fake it if only for a while

Behind the eyes so bright
Lies a boy lost in the wild
Yearning for that smile of sunshine
With breath like the breeze at dusk

For as it said in th scriptures of the old
'Gaze all thee and behold'
'The work of my hands I bestow'
'Perfection in all that you know!'
And the soul that had been whole
With she of the heart of gold

Now he roams alone in the plain
In puddles and cold from the rain
The blurry shadows of his past
Each step like his last
For he can't trust again
Knowing that only with her in the bargain
will his mind be free of the void
And again two souls will be as one