Adventures in depression( Affirmation )

It has been over 6 months since I posted any original content here. I think I lost my flare for writing. I pray it ain't so. Though it may also be that I had been depressed for a while since sometime near the end of last year, teetering over the edge waiting for that one last tiny thing that would push me completely over.

See the thing about bipolar disorder and depression is that you can't really treat a depressed bipolar person with the normal antidepressants. Treatment usually involves a lot of anti-anxiety medication and other serotonin uptake inhibitors, and in my case, a little electro convulsive therapy to move it faster.

I have been depressed before but never had it been serious enough to require hospitalization. It was voluntary(hospitalization), according to what I'm told by my shrink, and friends. I was away for weeks and I had only informed one or two people where I was. Anyway, lets discuss depression.

A little over two years ago I'd discussed mental illness on this blog where I covered several forms of mental illnesses, mostly what I have - bipolar disorder. Although nowadays I am conditioning myself to stop looking at it like a disease. It's more of an example of how God gives with one hand and takes with the other. Contrary to what that statement implies, I'm not really mad at God for that because over time I've come to accept what I have and actually realized it gives me that je ne sais quoi quality.

For the most part, that I'm bipolar doesn't really interfere with who I am and has never defined me, how I behave and what I stand for. It just gives me extra energy sometimes, and acts as a buzz-kill other times. While it has obviously influenced how I behave in a small way, I like to believe that I'm a result of my choices, and the path I take in life is one I choose for myself as I go along.

I believe the question of how much mental conditions influence our decisions is tied in intimately with the question of free will in all humans. Is it freewill if I suddenly behave differently and do something stupid because the chemicals in my brain have become imbalanced? Am I responsible for everything I do while depressed or on a high? If I killed myself because I'm depressed, is it my fault? Did I have the option to decide that death is not the answer?

Actually the answer is really simple, when you are depressed, freewill is one of the luxuries you're denied. That's why I chose to forsake my freedom for the sake of everything I believe in, and got hospitalized for specialized treatment. Truth be told, while I have accepted that my death is inevitable in the long run, I don't want it to be by my own hand or as a result of something I could have foreseen and changed.

Depression is one of the most fucked up diseases around, it isn't really treatable unless the person going through it is willing to have it treated, and by virtue of you being depressed you lack the ability to realize that you are the one who matters most if you're to get better. Does that make sense?

I'll use myself as an example, again. When I got depressed it took me more than 6 months to realize I was in deep shit. And even after falling over the edge into chronic depression it took another 3 days to realize I was the only one who could get help for me by accepting that I was in shit and it was all going down in my mind. and to say the truth I am one of the lucky ones. The ones who are at the edge, where you have decided suicide is the answer and all that's left is how to do it as painlessly as possible, but decide to give life one last go. 

The amount of pain is not usually one of the considerations (because you're already dead inside and that is the greatest pain a person, who has ever known happiness, can feel and continues to feel). The biggest consideration is ease. That's why some people see a rafter, a stool and a scarf. Others see sleep medication and painkillers, others see guns. You have to understand that the only consideration once you've decided to kill yourself, is what is the most easily accessible tool to do it and what requires the least effort on your part.

For a depressed person there is no heaven or hell to look forward to, there is no God to wrap you in His warmth, there is nothing to look forward to except ending the emptiness, pain and hopelessness that has become your life. If nothing can make you happy why bother with going through the motions? Why bother making the effort to hang out with people who make no difference in your life? What is the purpose of family and lovers if they can't make you feel loved any more? What is the need for friends if they can't make you feel alive? What is the need of a job if all it does is make you get out of bed in the morning to go do something you don't give a shit about? All it did is wake you up from the sweet oblivion of sleep.

This is why I get bothered and angry whenever I hear insensitive statements about people who've committed suicide. People need to realize that depression is a real illness, it is a cancer of the mind. It is hard to detect,  but it's important to realize that no sane well balanced person wants to die, least of all by killing themselves. When a person suddenly becomes introverted and wants nothing to do with normal day to day activities for extended periods, they are probably depressed or heading there. When a person chooses to end his/her life, you have to believe it's not their fault in most circumstances. And here we're not talking of terrorists or criminals. 

Depressed people are rarely a danger to others, just to themselves.

I have covered depression form a personal perspective rather than a medical one to hope that maybe it would resonate with other (normal) people. It is important to know your friends and family well enough to notice it when something is just not right with them. It's hard sometimes because depression progresses very slowly over months or years. But once you suspect it, in yourself or someone else, try to find a way to introduce the topic.

Most depressed people will disagree they're depressed which is the largest hurdle to beginning treatment. Just don't shove the fact that they're depressed down their throats, you have to introduce it in such a way that they form the conclusion themselves. In the process you may have just saved the life of someone close to your heart.

Also check out this post by Allie Brosh who also had a run in with depression. I mirrored the title here from that post.

In case you need to contact a psychologist call (+254) 720 291 232

Take care of your whole self: mind, body and soul.

Cheers

~ Ben

Positive negative reinforcement

I'll start(and end) with one of my common disclaimers that sound like "No offence, but…"

I'm in no way encouraging things like shoving your fingers down the throat immediately after eating, but if Ben doesn't know, he won't tell.

Have you ever looked into the mirror and thought, "Damn, i look good!"

Yes? Well, my friend, you just lost the battle. The thing about compliments I they should never be from the same source they're directed at. The moment you are comfortable with how you look, you lose the fight against complacency. Your body is the one area you should never ever see a perfect! IT must have that chink you are constantly working to improve. Why do you think fat people are fat? Because they over ate? Hell no! It is because somebody, probably themselves, told them they looked good. I'll touch on that in a bit.

Do you have a self-help book about improving positive self-image and all that hogwash about getting the best out of life? Yes? Throw that thing away, but first take a felt pen and draw glasses and a moustache on the author. This won't get you your money back or make you less cheated, but it might make you giggle and give you that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you deface something.

The problem with today's world is people are too fucking pretentious. You know, screw political correctness. It is main the problem with our society. I have seen cases where kids are taught that 'it's not about the winning, but the journey!' really? Doesn't that sound like something a loser would say to justify the losing status? Here comes another person all obese and panting each time they use their brain cell and somebody else has the audacity to tell them, "You are perfect the way you are, God made you in his own image". So the next time the fatty is looking in the mirror, he likes what he sees. Ah, now you are starting to see the picture.

Every day we are fed lies by conformists who have no right sticking their noses into our business. They tell us what is ok, what is not, trying to create a robot army for their capitalist masters. Ok, i could have picked better wording, but it's more fun sounding like a conspiracy theorist.

But seriously, by making it wrong to point out to a fat person that they are fat, aren't they the ones committing the crimes against the fatties? By making it or saying it's ok/normal to be fat, does it mean you are absolved from hypertension and heart attack? What is good or bad for your physical or mental well-being is not determined by your society. Social interactions improve our chances of survival which is good. But society doesn't have the power or right to make what is naturally wrong to be ok. Some things are that black and white. You may bring in the talk about "What matters is what makes me happy. Each to their own path of happiness." Does it make you happy when I call you a fatty? Never mind that sometimes I don't do it so much to make you improve, as to give myself some sort of evil satisfaction

Anyway a critic reading this would be quick to point out, this entry has no organized structure or point. And that the author does seem to have a bias against fat people, notably by the repeated use of the term "fatty". I'd tell that critic to take their crap and shove it back up that shithole it came out of. That is part of the problem with today's society, everyone is treated like an invalid and handled with padded gloves, and we learn to rely so much on what others think of us we all merge into one homologous(ha, i said homo) layer, where one person can't be differentiated from the other.

Did you know that telling me that I'm one in a million would piss me off? Yeah, because even though you're trying to make me feel unique, you just implied there are 1thousand other guys just like me which really makes me feel special! By following that line of thought we can safely assume that if i died, there are 1thousand other guys waiting to take over my space so comfortably, it would be like i never left. In my ideal fantasy I'm immortal, boring as living forever would be. Though then when on one of my quarterly excursions to Titan (the moon on Saturn) I'd be sure on meditating on the miracle of life…and living forever. But if i died i want people so depressed they engineer a way of bringing me back to life...and probably give me immortality in the process, I'd give them an exception and not eat their brains (that's a delicacy to zombies, right?) But again, I've digressed.

Positive negative reinforcement is the state/application/trait where you always strive to make yourself better by focusing on the negative things about yourself. Don't live on compliments. When i look into a mirror all i see are the man boobs (moobs), even though by societal standards i barely have any. But it keeps me pushing my body to stay fit. So according to myself I'm also a fatty fatty, and the fear of heart attack and hypertension (and herpes too) keeps me on my toes. You see now, it's not how others perceive you that keeps you alive and awesome, it's you that keeps you alive, so shrug off the compliments and see the horror that looks on from within the mirror.

Next time you see a fat person, call them out, you might have just saved their life. Plant that seed of negative reinforcement!

Disclaimer: Author is not advocating for the victimization of fatties, neither is he propagating the idea that some people are better than others (although he is).

Everyone is perfect the way they are, and the fact that gyms and the diet food/drink industry is raking in millions is purely coincidental.