The stupid ones cometh

It was a cold Monday in March when I stirred from deep sleep. Today was the day. I was grumpy because I hadn't seen a 5 am in years. At least not as the start to a day.
Struggling to see between crusts of dried eye goo, I picked my wallet; confirmed my ID and voter's card were intact, as well as the observer's badge that would save me the pain of queuing for hours. After hastily washing and wiping away the goo, I was off.

By 6 am I had this stain on my small finger that would last another couple weeks...or months. But it was alright, I knew my favourite would have a tough time winning, but at least I voted with my conscience, right? That is all that matters, right?

Flash forward two years later. The regret in people's voices when reading the newspaper, or talking politics is obvious...for most at least. It would be easy to give a sarcastic, "see the people you voted in" statement, but the truth of the matter is that choices made by the majority affect all of us, both the conscientious and the gullible.

That is when you realize, democracy isn't as glamorous as they made it sound in school. Makes you think... see, if it was a despot, you couldn't blame yourselves for the bad governance because in that case you didn't have a choice. Because dictators do bad shit whenever they want.

There is this amount of pain you feel when you see the extreme levels in the proliferation of corruption, and callousness in the use of tax money for selfish purposes, by the supposed revolutionary leaders. Then there are the images in the media of people who have lost loved ones as a direct result of corruption; the pain in their eyes when the govt says it'll compensate them, as if that should give them some sort of comfort, especially knowing the circumstance behind the deaths.

The pain is almost unbearable when you remember that we did this to ourselves. We brought this onto ourselves because when viewed through the tribal monochrome, we only had two choices in that election; it was their people, or our people. Since when has that helped anyone outside very specific family circles?

We had the lessons of history on our side... FIFTY FUCKING YEARS!! We knew(and still know) the political affiliations, since it they have been within the same freakin circles since independence! Yet, we still voted along tribal lines! Divided along lines that wouldn't make a difference whichever choice we made as long as we stuck within the two choices passed off as the only way for change.

Since when has voting for a person of your tribe helped you directly or indirectly? You still have the same struggle passed down the generations from your parents and them from theirs and so on. The only constant is the stupidity in voting.

I thank God for devolution, because it shows where poor decision making starts. Our 'tribesmen' are buying speedboats for 'us'; in a region without navigable water-bodies save for dams. Where they oppose setting up of cancer centers because they weren't 'consulted', but put up full page advertisements in newspapers looking for bidders for the construction of their palatial residences, funded by your own money.
 And you can bet the lowest bidder isn't necessarily assured the contract because nothing is too good for them, and the advertisement was more of a formality than anything else. Because they want to assure us of "transparency".

Does it strike you as weird that being in public service is one of the  fastest ways of growing rich in our country?

And you want to know the saddest thing about all of this? The most absolutely fucked up fact that should essentially give people sleepless nights and nightmares?

The most absolutely fucked up thing is that come 2017, even without rigging, the same faces that have always had their fists up our butt-holes will be elected back to power!

Love is...

My life is like unto a bargain store, and I may have just what you're lookin' for; if you don't mind the fact that all the merchandise is used; but with a little mending it could be as good as new. 

Why you take for instance this old broken heart, if you will just replace the missing parts you would be surprised to find how good it really is. Take it and you never will be sorry that you did. 
You can easily afford the price. Love is all you need to purchase all the merchandise. And I will guarantee you'll be completely satisfied


Had a different title and introduction intended in order to break this long fast I had taken from writing. Death to Santa isn't real writing since it's more of a recap than anything else.

After the formatting(that's what my friends prefer to refer to the ECT), I knew that I'd probably have a return of old habits and emotions. Surprise surprise, that didn't come to pass. I knew I'd be able handle my emotions more differently from how I did during the depression, and they wouldn't be as they were before that period.

See, I have more experience now. I'm no longer a child new to relationships, no longer vulnerable to puppy love. Still just as stupid when it comes to love, though. The stupid aspect I'll reveal in later entries....hopefully.

I have been in quite a few relationships, few not in the quantitative euphemism for a ridiculously large number, but few in the literal sense. I could lose my hand then give a few digits from the remaining one and still be able to count on my still attached hand how many serious relationships I've been in.

But how do you define a serious relationship? Was it serious because the thought of marriage crossed your mind, serious that you introduced her to your parents, or serious in the sense that you reached a point in the relationship that you never even once imagined yourself ever being with someone else, and it was ok?

 Or is it serious because even after it has ended you don't have regrets about ever being with them, and you still care for your former partner and hope all the best for them in all their future endeavours (and are actually not being sarcastic and whispering curses under your breath like the asshole in you used to do after a fling when you were younger). Is that a sign of maturity, or is it a sign that the relationship is really gone and the embers turned to ash, with chance of rekindling dead with them?

It has been said a lot of times, life is short; you're barely walking when you get thrown into school where you learn to read; and as your mind is opening up to the new world contained in literature your hormones kick in and the instinct of seeking companionship is woken up. Then the game changer -  you're out of your parents' and have to fend for yourself and maybe seek companionship. Before you know it you have offspring, and soon they're also leaving you and you have to deal with the fact of your mortality same way you did coming in to life, confused and unsure what the hell life is about.

Life really is short. And I'm caught up in the grey area where I can take care of myself but still unsure if I want to invest my emotions in taking care of others. I don't want to make any more mistakes, or enemies, but I know those are inevitable unless I bend over backwards for everyone, though even then I would still make enemies from those who don't like the way I keep getting pushed around. - and to clarify the previous sentence, I don't get pushed around!- Just the normal getting pushed around where I can't afford to make a snarky comment to people in higher authority in some situations because I kinda really really need pay my bills on a regular basis and being homeless would dampen my ability to continue trying to escape the rat-race.

I was on matters relationships. I dunno*, if there is once thing I'm determined never to do it's to make enemies out of people I loved and allowed to see me at my most vulnerable. I take love seriously because it's the one thing that ever makes sense in this life, or at least my life. If I said or expressed that I love you no force in this universe could ever take it back, or make it mean any less than when I first knew it. even proper grammar can't effectively explain it!

I'll probably make more mistakes, hopefully I'll be able to make up for them, hopefully I'll never find myself having to walk away and breaking promises of not walking away.

What was the point of this whole entry?

Love is sometimes eternal. We may be unable to express it sometimes, but that doesn't negate its existence or water down what it meant before when it could be expressed more easily and openly.

A poet never takes notes. You never take notes in a love affair - Robert Frost.



* now? I think I put that asterisk over that word because it's not proper English...honestly forgot since there are more slang words elsewhere within the entry. Also, I rarely ever go back over some entries, like this one, this is to keep myself from editing out important points

Death to Santa VI [2014]

Dear diary,

Another year I haven't died. Suck on that Satan, this soul may actually end up not falling into your ironically cold claws. Who would have guessed!

I am thankful for my family, Lord knows this year started off on a really messed up note, which I hardly remember but they have to live with the stress I put them through.

I am thankful for all my friends who stood by me through the 5 years I had clinical depression further complicated by the bipolar, which didn't make me the easiest person to be around.

I am thankful for my girlfriend for dealing with me for three years! A record for any of my relationships... Probably a record for anyone dealing with my type of mind! Sad it ended, but I shall forever treasure the times.

I am thankful for getting my mind back after being dissociated from my memories and experiences for most of the 5 years.

I am thankful for everyone that came back after I pushed everyone away all those years.


While I got a tonne of morbid jokes, I'll save them for 2015.

Maybe Santa isn't such a douchebag, maybe I should finally make peace with this adaptation of St. Nicholas. But is Santa a wave or a particle? Is he able to deliver all those gifts in one night because he's figured out how to exploit quantum states but doesn't want to share the knowledge? That pisses me off because that carries the answer to me travelling the universe... earth is too small in the cosmos scope. Well...fuck him, you know...

Sorry, I digressed.

You now what they say about habits dying hard...they really do. I guess all those vices and habits were hidden somewhere in my brain just waiting...waiting. And come back they did. My attention span is now that of a goldfish... I get bored just as easily as I get excited. An lulls in the conversation don't make me feel awkward, I just move on to something I feel is more interesting. Maybe I should change that.

But my mind has opened up again and I want to learn everything! While I'm not willing to go as far as Faust, I want to know as much as I can!

Most people I've come across are talking about narrowing down the circle of friends. Why the heck would wanna do that? Small circles are mediocre ,and boring, and lack variety... I want a larger circle, I want to know people everywhere, while my circle of trustees will stay small, I want to be friends with everybody if possible! I wanna dig into every nook and cranny of their memories and see all their ideas, dreams and views about reality. I want to know what gives you the strength to wake up in the morning and get out of bed and out of the house. I want to at least have an idea why we as a species are so unique in that we're capable of all these amazing things yet at the same time the most vile and evil beings around.
I want to know why we have love, and can tell each other we love yet go back on our words and backstab the shit out of the people who trust us the most. I want to know what drives us to turn around with that knife still bleeding and hug and give them the chance to do it again. Is that what defines love? Is true love the act of having the love go both ways, or is it the ability to overlook betrayal in the name of love?

I'm not as closed off emotionally as I was before the depre...that thing. Nor am I as closed off as I was during. Probably the other way round. I'm more open minded, more open to new ideas than I have ever been in my life... Maybe It's because when you're introduced to the world of quantum mechanics you realize nothing is what is seems and reality maybe just an illusion where everything is hidden away from us forever...or as Humphry Davy put it,

Nothing is so fatal to the progress of the human mind as to suppose our views of science are ultimate; that there are no new mysteries in nature; that our triumphs are complete; and that there are no new worlds to conquer

Anyway, gotta go diary. Hope everyone who reads has a productive 2015 that'll bring you closer to your dreams. A new year gives you the opportunity to shed off every undesirable thing about yourself. A habit takes roughly 6 weeks to change. Which gives you until valentine day...coincidence? Probably... Maybe I conveniently doubled the average time required to change a habit.

Either way, make those over-ambitious resolutions but try as much a possible to change them...for example if you decide to lose weight, at least make sure it hasn't doubled by the time you carry over the resolution to 2016. Fatty fat fat fatties are disgusting, plus your heart is struggling. Whatever your resolution, here's to an awesome 2015, diary!