Death to Santa V: New Hope

Another year finished above ground! Yaay!  This year’s note is going to be different; can't manage humour this time since there was little to smile about.

It has been a year with loads of tragedy and a little but significant good fortune.

Lost two people, I’d known all my life, within a few months of each other which sucked donkey. I feel regret because I never showed them that they meant a lot to me; I let apathy run my relationship with most people which I’m starting to realize leads to a lower quality of life. The ode I wrote to them at different times still lies in my drafts to forever remain unfinished (I pray not).

Got off the bipolar medication and stopped seeing the psychologist completely; mostly because the sessions had become monotonous, repetitive and predictable. Going off the meds was necessary because I’d developed memory lapses, emotional disconnection and my creativity professionally and personally had reached an all-time low and kept going down! It was the hardest thing physically, getting off them, because I realized, soon enough, that there are medicines you don’t just get off cold turkey. So it took about 4-5 months to be completely off them. As expected the episodes began to show up again, but later, but they aren’t as crippling as before and I do my best to handle them and keep them from ruining/ending my life. Had a close call, a really really close call, but I survived and it didn’t make me  better person or improve my ability to handle it, but bottom line is, I’m still alive and loving it!

Still on that, 2012 is the year I can say I almost completely overcame the damage that 2010 had put in my life, my emotions are almost stable and my interpersonal skills are slowly coming back as I overcome the paranoia that I had developed towards everyone. Slowly breaking down that wall that keeps me emotionally indifferent towards new people, which is a big win!

Personal life wise, my emotions are still stabilizing and maturing, this is taking note that strong emotions like love for people who aren’t my immediate family, are recent to me; this taking into consideration that before 2009 I never could have definitively said I’d ever been in love with or loved anyone. Sucks, right? For the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me, but time teaches you that everything has its own time. While I like to assert that I have control of most facets of my life, there are those that I have to leave to fate. Besides how fun would life have been had we been able to predict everything? Anyway, I’m no longer a newbie to love and my (romantic) relationships seem to last longer now. Which I believe is good because I am happy. To be frank, I’d never date somebody who isn’t my friend first, that’ll segue me to the next section…

When it comes to good friends, I seem to have many of those. Plus my friends from my previous life have come back! Guess it’s a sign that I’m practically fixed! Or that I’m slowly reverting back to what I was *shivers*, but I doubt, the cynicism is practically all gone and I have recovered most things I lost or gave away. My new friends make me happy and are loyal to a fault which I automatically return in kind. By ‘new’ I mean people I’ve developed friendships with in the last year or so.

Career and financially I’m still not where I was but it’s ok, there are encouraging signs of that happening. Guess it’s the only aspect I haven’t fixed completely. But the one thing I’ve realized is that even in programming there are backstabbing bastards. The one thing I wonder is why people don’t stick to their lanes. The moment I realize intentional (yet unnecessary) aggression towards me, just because you feel threatened or insecure, you leave me no choice but to make you realize that I can do your work better than you while you can’t get even close to what I can do. By trying to jeopardize me, you are in fact setting yourself up for a world of hurt and regret. Why would you try to mess me up professionally yet you have no leverage or clout to protect yourself?

2012 is also the year I did something shameful. I got into a fight. The reason I’m sensitive about such things is because I have always known that while my capacity for good is wide, there is the alter ego side which I never want to encourage. And I like to believe I control my instincts and reflexes. I’m not the textbook definition of a nerd or geek, neither am I a fighter. I’m trained for fighting for the very same reason I am adept with various other skills like programming, swimming, cycling etc., in that I just want to push my brain’s capacity to learn and pick up new things/skills/concepts, and master them, to their limits, simple! I never learned it to use it to beat up people.

 I find fighting unnecessary where diplomacy would suffice, but there are those idiots who are the exception. I can’t say their problem is age because even when I was younger I still thought fighting as unnecessary, because we aren’t animals. I believe to be human is to be able to suppress primal instincts. There are those people that manifest their insecurities through unnecessary aggression and bullying. I don’t know whether it stems from having a small dick, having an overshadowing/controlling father figure, low IQ, not being able to sexually satisfy their partner or just plain stupidity. They live among us and I really don’t get it, violence will never solve any problem, it just makes it worse, that’s what most people don’t get. Why do you even need to assert dominance over another person? I find trying to achieve inner peace and harmony with nature more satisfying. But if you are going to pick an unnecessary fight, at least make sure you‘re all in. Don’t hit somebody then run to daddy the moment they defend themselves. Your daddy never told you to go around hitting strangers that are, at most, neutral and indifferent to you, whereby, you may as well be that insignificant pile of dirt next to a murram road. Even from a legal standpoint you as the aggressor are in the wrong. So thanks to some a-hole I almost ruined my pals birthday party and almost screwed up the total inner harmony I’m trying to achieve to find my bliss. Will finish that chapter with a little gem...

"I promised you, dad, not to do the things you've done.I walk away from trouble when I can.Now please don't think I'm weak, I didn't turn the other cheek,And papa, I sure hope you understand:Sometimes you gotta fight when you're a man"

As i look forward to 2013, i'll try to change a few things. Will try to be a better person and i'll do my best to prevent life from corrupting that which i struggle to keep clean. It's the year my bi annual professional cycle comes around and i have to assess whether i'm happy with what i've gained in the last two years and decide if sticking to this career is good for me. Yes! i've been a programmer/developer for less than 2 years and i get to decide if i want to retain that title in 2013.
I also plan to going back to writing as a regular habit and need to put my emotions back into it. I have to admit i became too detached from writing in 2012 and never had the follow through needed to finish articles/entries i'd started. My draft section is enough reminder of that. That changes in 2013.
While i don't want to revert personality-wise to what i was pre 09, it is important i return to the path my life had taken then/was taking, in that i need to be more assertive about what i want. Somehow i'd lost that.

My general plan for 2013 is simple, since we all know that saying about the best laid plans of men and mice, to stay true to myself and what i believe in. That has been my mantra for years now and it gives me anchoring through times of torment and mental terror when my mind becomes a hazardous environment. And to lose the flab, since it's a remainder/after-effect of my dark days.

Happy 2013 people! Regular posts this year. Personal for this blog, and kinda techie ones for yulemsee.com