Is he planning to "plough" you?

Disclaimer:This entry should in no way be confused gay bashing. I happen to have a very tolerant perception of homosexuality; that people should be free to pursue whatever makes them happy. Rape is also a serious issue not to be joked about…like I've done here. So if you don't have any semblance of humour in you…move along to the older entries…or new one. They probably have something that will appeal to a one track mind
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Yeah, I know this one has been a long time coming, but finally, the scintillating sequel!

Previously we talked of how a straight guy may fall prey to the "seduction" of a closet friend who isn't ready to go through the painstaking process of turning a straight man. We continue with the tips on what to notice and avoid getting anal raped.

1. Does he place a hand on your thigh?
   

   In the history of sexual overture none has been stronger than the gesture of placing a hand upon another's thigh. If a guy ever does that to you, punch him. That is the only way to cleanse the sacrilege inflicted upon your body. If he is bigger than you, slowly edge away uncomfortably and don't make eye contact.
   

2. He doesn't like it when you bring your girlfriend
   I once had a friend, again note the tense, who never seemed to like any of my exes especially when I brought them to our drinking sessions, unless we'd just broken up, and then he'd go, "Awww, how now? She seemed nice." He probably didn't realize I saw the possessiveness and the silent high five he gave himself. Possessiveness by a dude to another dude implies, nay, PROVES, that he plans to do you at one time or another, whether you like it or not.
   


3. He desperately wants to be roomies
   

   When I was in third year in campus I got a job so I was able to afford my own place. Anyone who knows me knows I love my space; there's nothing I love more than just blacking out on the carpet surrounded by music. Then comes this co-worker desperately wanting to be roomies. I go like "dude, you making enough to live on your own, WTF!!!". I assumed he was planning something sinister especially since he had shown creepy tendencies like number 8, 9 and 10 below. Key point here is, if somebody shows they want something too much and you can't see any feasible/useful outcome, run!
   

4. He want to spend time with you
   

   This point pretty much speaks for itself. Personally if a guy calls me more than two times a day and it's not business related, I start avoiding him. Guys don't just call each other to "just talk". Guys go out for drinks, guys talk about girls and the topic focuses mostly on boobs, Julie gichuru and the craziest place you ever got laid. So if you have this guy friend who just wants to hang out just the two of you, think twice. It's just not ok.
   

5. He opens up to you emotionally
   

   No need to expound here. He's trying to reel you in emotionally. If he doesn't succeed he'll probably try some of the later points.
   

6. You've never actually seen him hook up with a real woman
   

   I once had this friend, who was all talk, yet when we were hanging out with the rest of the boys and our current girlfriends (the usage of the term is loose here when it came to me considering it was our first hook up with the girl), his girlfriend wasn't there. I started to suspect she wasn't real. I even started to suspect the saucy texts he showed us came from his other phone whose number none of us knew.
   

7. He says "Who needs women anyway"
   

   So the said friend who texts himself and has a very active pathetic account on adultfriendfinder after striking out when he tried to hit on my girlfriend (yeah I was in a relationship) started talking smack about girls in general. He'd struck out several other times, probably because their gaydars were primed and they probably figure he was a freak. A question I actually got more than once was "how can you work with that freak?"
   

   Women may be hard to understand (read impossible), but no matter what we still love them and still want to sleep with them. Even gay dudes love women. So a guy who seems to dislike women may be doing so because he blames them for the lack of enough opportunity and this is where serial killers and rapists come from. You know the kinds who are seen on CSI tying up the woman in the bathroom, smacking the guy unconscious and dragging him to the bedroom…not funny.
   

8. He peeks in the urinal
   
   Figure 3: There's a theory about size being relevant in determination of who becomes the screwer and who is made the screwee…we talking muscle mass here
   

   The general rule of thumb in a urinal is eyes should be on the wall. If your friend constantly peeks after following you into the urinal, user beware! In as much as the urinal is great for showing off and intimidating guys trying to hit on your girl, it is also a ripe recruitment area for potential ass bandits. You have to consider the fact they might not actually interested her. Rather you might find yourself engaged in a sword fight you will just end losing, morally and literally.
   

9. Does he want you to partake in a crime
   
   Figure 4: Chanting "The booty is mine no one can have it" doesn't necessarily guarantee you won't be anal raped
   
   

   The final most important advice in avoiding being raped as a guy, avoid prison. After lengthy research on the statistics of rape in prison, evidence collected by watching hours of The Boondocks reruns, it has become clear that going to prison is an assurance you WILL be penetrated anally. So the next time he suggests lighting a joint in front of a police station or in public, know he has plans, probably of getting you to drop the soap.
   

10. Avoid queues
    

    We have all been stuck in queues at one time or another, maybe in the supermarket, or the bank. Statistics show that queues are the number one crime scenes for the passive rape of men. Passive rape involves rubbing up against you in a queue until a phenomenon commonly known as "jizz in my pants" is achieved. Though it is arguable there was no penetration, the feeling of violation is still the same.
    

11. Does he want to watch twilight with you?
    

    Personally I haven't watched twilight, because I'm straight, and straight men don't admit to having watched twilight. Straight men watch True Blood, where Eric admits to being bisexual but is still cool, because he can fly. Even Clark from Smallville can't hack flying.
    

    
    

    
    
    Figure 1: "My name is Eric, I'm moody, I want Suki, but I'll fuck you too, both literally and figuratively. I threw Lady Gaga off a balcony, coz I'm gangster"
    
    I heard twilight vampires walk in the sun and practice abstinence. True vampires laugh in the face of abstinence. So the idea of the fairy tale of a vampire that wants to wait till you get married or converts you first is ridiculous. Only fairies exist in fairies tales. In essence this means if a guy wants to watch Twilight with you, he is gay and in extension wants to rape you.
    

12. Does he try to get you drunk?
    

    I once had a friend (note the past tense) who used to buy me a lot drinks. It never escaped me the extreme look of disappointment in his face when he realized my tolerance to alcohol was extremely high, in that I never blacked out or lost coherence. This was because I respect one cardinal question "do you suspect his sexuality". If the answer is yes, cross him out of your drinking buddy list.
    

    The same reason you smile at her and refill her drink is the same reason he is smiling at you and calling for another round.
    

13. What type of music is playing in the background when he invited you to his place
    
    Figure 2: Note the extreme horror and surprise...bet he didn't see it coming…bet he wont see it coming(sic)
    I guess this should also go along with "is anyone else invited", but it's more fun this way. If he plays anything by Ace of Base or ABBA especially Flower or Dancing Queen, run! I once saw a St. Georges parade on TV where they were playing Dancing Queen in the background. In scrubs when JD was almost married to an old man, guess what music was in the background… Ever since, I've always associated Dancing Queen to daisy dukes.
    

So how can you tell when it's too late to mitigate anal rape? Ans: when you have been already been done; here're things to look out for:

1. Instead of loud farts they come out in form of a silent whoosh
   
2. Yeah, that's basically it…the whoosh