Ask Aunty Susan

Dear Sue,
I have this problem. Nowadays when i take a stroll around town, girls always stare at me making me feel like an object. Sometimes in a pub they harass me by looking in my eyes then run their hands through their hair smiling. How can i tell them to stop and recover my dignity, should i inform them that my shrink is in love with me and wants me for herself and I'm only playing hard to get in order not to seem desperate. I really need your advice.
Yours truly, Awesome in Nairobi...


Dear Awesome,
First i would like you to note, i already know its you Ben. Frankly i was surprised you weren't more creative in picking a pseudonym.
Second, the fact that you are seeing a shrink screams 'crazy' right there. Word on the street; after four sessions with you, she needs a shrink herself.
Now to the diagnosis:
You really aren't as good with girls as you like to think you are. Sometimes after our sessions i really shudder at the thought of you reproducing, but i feel better a few seconds later because i know you don't really have the guts or skills to actually get laid.
You suffer from a condition commonly refered in our circles as phallus extendus mistakenus sometimes confused with bipolar. Basically this translates from latin to delusions of grandeur especially when it comes to the opposite sex. You seem to believe girls and housewives swoon in your presence, but they are actually playing dead hoping you will go away... Most of them(i swear its not personal experience) go home and take a long hot shower trying to cauterize all traces of you, where you stared at them...
Finally i would like to inform you, sending me letters is in violation of the restraining order. Another thing, a woman wearing a trench-coat, with nothing underneath, is sexy. A guy doing that...an insult to humanity! Next time you do that in my office, not only will i run out half screaming and laughing, i'll also call security!
But since you have been so nice, i got you a sweater. Dont worry about the sleeves being too long, its easy to adjust that: we can have somebody pull them around your waist and tie them together at your back, or if the length allows, loop them back to the front then knot them together. It would look so nice on you.
In addition we are making arrangements to take you to this great hotel where they will cater to all your need. Don't worry about the guys who will appear to be carrying pointy sticks, they're just thin batons to keep security...the little nodes at the ends going bzzzz are just decorations...
Hope i answered all your questions well.
Yours truly, Aunt Susan